Harvey: Carolyn, honey, it's me. Harvey. Look, I'm really sorry, what I did was wrong, but I still love you a lot.
Carolyn (eating cookies): Cut the crap. I had my hair done this morning, did you notice, huh, you even notice?
Harvey: I was distracted... you were shooting at me.
Edie: Tell her to let the kids go.
Carolyn: Who the hell was that?! You got a woman in there?
Harvey: She's a customer!
Carolyn: Don't lie to me, Harvey, she is another one of your whores, isn't she?!
Edie: Oh, fantastic!
Harvey: Carolyn, I swear...
Carolyn: I hope you're having a good time in there whore, because I got a bullet for you too!

Mike: Edie, what were we like together, before the accident?
Edie: What do you mean?
Mike: You know, were we close?
Edie: Honestly? We lived about fifteen feet from each other, and you barely knew that I existed.
Mike: Seriously?
Edie: Mm-hmm. It's true. I mean, you weren't rude or anything. We'd wave or exchange hellos as we went to get our mail, but you never really looked at me. Not really. I, I was just another neighbor to you.
Mike: But if we weren't friends, then why are you here every day helping me?
Edie: Because from the first moment I laid eyes on you, I sort of fell in love with you.
Mike: Oh.
Edie: Yeah. And I'm not telling you this because I expect anything, so you can just relax, OK?
Mike: OK.
Edie: But when you do come back home, and we do run into each other when we're getting our mail, I'd really appreciate it if you'd just look at me. That's all.
Mike: I'm looking at you now.
(He pulls her toward him and they begin to kiss.)

Mary Alice: (opening voiceover) It is often said that confession is good for the soul. No one knew this better than a certain blonde who had been confessing her sins to Father O'Malley once a week since she was a child. As the years had passed, much to Father O'Malley's dismay, a theme began to emerge...
(Flashback: Edie is in the confessional.)
Edie: I seduced the cable guy again.
(Flashback: Edie is in the confessional.)
Edie: I'm having an affair with a folk singing duo.
(Flashback: Edie is in the confesional.)
Edie: Last week I let Rabbi Lipman get to third base.
Mary Alice: And once she had been forgiven, Father O'Malley would tell Edie Britt to go out into the world and sin no more. Unfortunately for Edie, temptation seemed to be...
(Present: Edie walks into Mike's hospital room.)
Edie: Hello there.
Mary Alice: ...everywhere.

Edie: Well, at the risk of stating the obvious, it's over. He's mine now.
Susan: No, no, no, no! No, no, this, this is not how this ends. No, evil does not triumph over good.
Edie: That's how you see me?
Susan: Damn straight! You lie, you cheat, you scheme! You ruin people's relationships! I mean, how do you sleep at night?
Edie: Soon, with Mike on top of me, if you know what I mean.
Susan: See? Evil! Evil!
Edie: Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Mike and I are meant to end up together?
Susan: No! You, Mike? You don't even want him! You're just doing this to hurt me.
Edie: Wow, how self-absorbed can you be? I have had a thing for Mike since the day he moved in here, and I even backed off when he fell for your little Miss Adorable act. But he's over that. It's my turn now, and I will be better for him than you ever were. And if you do get hurt, well, that's just gravy. All right, maybe that was a little evil.

(to Susan) Mike has no idea who you are. I envy him.

Edie: Ah, here's the picture that you took of me in my bikini at that pool party. You could've warned me I was showing a little nip. Oh, Susan Mayer. Remember her?
Mike: Yeah. She's pretty.
Edie: Yeah, she is, sort of, in this picture. Is there a date on this thing?
Mike: The nurses said that she visited me a lot. We were close, huh?
Edie: You have just come out of a coma. Can we not talk about Susan till you start to regain your strength?
Mike: Why?
Edie: Oh, God. I hate to be the one telling you this.
Mike: Well, if you don't want to...
Edie: That tramp treated you like dirt. She strung you along. She slept with other guys. You broke up with her twice.
Mike: Well, why did she keep visiting me when I was out of it?
Edie: Well, she's a bit of a stalker. I was worried that she was gonna come in here and disconnect one of the tubes or something. But don't worry. She's glommed on to some new guy, and she's up in the mountains at his place with him right now.
Mike: Wow. She told the nurses that she really loved me?
Edie: That's the one thing about Susan that you must not forget. She is a liar.

Edie: Julie, sweetie. You're a good girl. Do yourself a favor and stay away from my nephew.
Julie: Trust me, I have no interest in swaggering, muscle-bound juvenile delinquents.
Edie: Honey, that's what every good girl says, just before she becomes a bad girl. Trust me, I know.

(Edie is about to give Austin a can of beer)
Edie: Oh, wait. You're 18, right?
Austin: Well, that's what my ID says.
Edie: Yeah. Mine too.

Retiring Elder: My only concern would be the neighborhood, we really need a quiet place for our retirement.
Edie: Oh, are you kidding? There's no place in Fairview that's more peaceful...
(As Edie opens the door, Tom, Lynette, the clown, and children with balloons run past screaming)
Edie: Let me show you the Media Room.

Karen: (talking to a prospective buyer) The police found her severed fingers in the garage. And they never found Felicia's body. I wouldn't be surprised if someday you opened a cabinet and hello!
Edie: Karen, dear! Have you seen the marble backsplash? Oh I just must show it to you. Excuse us. What are you trying to do to me you back stabbing cow?
Karen: They asked why the owner was selling. I told them that Paul Young was in jail, they asked why. Conversation has a flow.

(Susan turns on the recorder under her shirt and knocks on Edie's door. Edie answers the door eating a bag of popcorn. She tries to slam the door. Susan holds the door)
Susan: No, Edie, wait! Um, I don't want to fight. I know that we've had our differences, but you know we had a friendship going on there and I just think we owe it to ourselves to talk about what happened.
Edie: What's there to talk about? It happened. (she chews the popcorn as she talks) I walked down to your house. I had this watering can.
Susan: What?
Edie (muffled): I filled it with gasoline and boom! Laughed my ass off.
Susan: Okay, wait, could you just swallow? 'Cause I couldn't really hear what you were saying.
Edie: Well, that was basically it. One of the best days of my life.
Susan: Well, see you were chewing and so I didn't really hear what you said. Could you just say it again?
Edie: I burnt you house down and it was great. What do you want?
Susan: So, uh, you then admit burning down my house. On purpose.

(Susan moves closer to Edie. Edie looks at Susan suspiciously.)
Edie: You're wearing a wire, aren't you?
Susan: Huh?
Edie: Open that blouse!
Susan: What? No!
Edie: Open that blouse!
(Edie rips open Susan's blouse and sees the microphone. Susan runs.)
Edie: Ahhhhh! You can't outrun me, Mayer. I'm in the best shape of my life!
Susan: Oh good. Then you'll be prime meat picking when you go to jail!
Edie: You bitch!
Susan: Bite me!

Desperate Housewives Quotes

There is a prayer intended to give strength to people faced with circumstances they don't want to accept. The power of the prayer comes from it's insight into human nature. Because so many of us rage against the hand that life has dealt us. Because so many of us are cowardly. And afraid to stand up for what is right. Because so many of us give into despair when faced with an impossible choice. The good news for those who utter these words is that God will hear you and answer your prayer. The bad news is that sometimes the answer is no.

Mary Alice

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.