Edie: What do you want?
Susan: Uh, this is a little awkward and I apologize in advance for how this is gonna sound, but um...by any chance, did you burn down my house?
Edie: Yes.
Susan: What?
Edie: Yes, I burnt down your house, you sleazy little whore.
Susan: Edie! Why would you do that?
Edie: Can you blame me after sending me that acid letter?
Susan: Letter? What letter?
Edie: The one where you admitted to stabbing me in the back by sleeping with Karl.
Susan: You weren't supposed to get that! I stole that back from the mailman.
Edie: So, you were trying to hide the truth from me?
Susan: This is not what we should focus on right now. The point is you maliciously set fire to my house!
Edie: Look, I admit I might have overreacted a tad.
Susan: A tad? Edie, I have no roof! You can't just go around burning down people's homes!
Edie: Why not? You burnt down my home! You stole Mike from me! You slept with my fiance! That's the trifecta! You're lucky I didn't torch your car!
Susan: That's it! I'm going to the police and I'm telling them what you did!
Edie: Did what? I didn't do anything.
Susan: Wha--? You just confessed!
Edie: No, I didn't. Did anyone else hear me confess? Hello? Hello? No witnesses. No evidence. No confession. I guess we're done here. You can go home now. Oh wait, that's right, you don't have one.

(Susan moves closer to Edie. Edie looks at Susan suspiciously.)
Edie: You're wearing a wire, aren't you?
Susan: Huh?
Edie: Open that blouse!
Susan: What? No!
Edie: Open that blouse!
(Edie rips open Susan's blouse and sees the microphone. Susan runs.)
Edie: Ahhhhh! You can't outrun me, Mayer. I'm in the best shape of my life!
Susan: Oh good. Then you'll be prime meat picking when you go to jail!
Edie: You bitch!
Susan: Bite me!

Bree: Honey, you've got to eat something.
Gabrielle: Don't have an appetite. In fact, this is all going to go to waste. You guys should take something.
Lynette: No, no, you should keep it.
Edie: I'll take a couple. (All the ladies stare at her) What? Karl dumped me, so I'm alone. Food fills the void.

Edie: (to Susan) You know, when Karl dumped you I thought that it was all your fault, I figured that you were nag or bad in bed but, now I see that you were just a victim too, we have a bond Susan, It's like we're sisters. There's even a pretty one and an ugly one!
Bree: Edie!
Edie: Oh I'm just saying that Karl screwed us both!
Susan: Yes, like you wouldn't believe!

(At Gabrielle's house)
Edie: You know when Karl dumped you Susan, I thought that it was all your fault. Yeah, I figured that you were a nag or bad in bed. But now, but now I see that you were just a victim too. We have a bond, Susan. Like we're sisters. There's even a pretty one and an ugly one.
Bree: Edie!
Edie: Oh I'm just saying that Karl screwed us both!
Susan: Yes, like you wouldn't believe.

Gabrielle: Look, I think we all know that Karl is a dog. But let's face it, if these tramps were laying out the buffet, he wouldn't be chowing down!
Susan: Well, every situation is different and it's hard to judge until we know all the details. (all four women stare at Susan)
Susan: Which obviously I don't know, because how would I know. (the women continue staring at Susan)
Susan: She's a slutty, slutty whore, absolutely! (All the women smile and nod)
Edie: Yeah!

Edie: I have told every woman in this town that we are getting married and all you have to say to me is, 'I don't know'?
Karl: What else to do you want me to say? I'm sorry.
Edie: What's going on? Is there someone else? Oh my god!
(Edie drops the note and backs away. She turns around and sees a rake propped against the house. She walks toward the rake)
Karl: Oh, crap.

Edie: Don't tell anyone but I'm planning a huge surprise for Karl!
Susan: Surprise?!
Edie: Yeah I put in together an engagement party tomorrow afternoon.
Julie: Oh Cool!
Edie: But that's not the surprise. Actually, it's gonna be a surprise wedding!

(Susan and Karl walk in to find Edie standing beside Dr. Ron in the living room)
Susan: Well, I should go...
Edie: I'm not going to scream, or cry, or pound your faces in with a mallet, which, Lord knows, is my right. But what I will say is that you two are the most reprehensible excuses for human beings that I have ever met! (turns to Dr. Ron) Do you have anything to add?
(Dr. Ron pauses, then removes the flowers from the vase on the table, and hands the vase to Edie)
Edie: Right! What the hell... (throws the vase at Karl and Susan, who duck and run)

(to Susan) Whatever - I'm doing it, so keep your trap shut!

If you'll excuse me, I gotta go buy a wedding dress! Oh by the way, I'll be wearing white so that'll be a surprise for everybody!

Edie: When naughty children misbehave, they know that they're gonna get punished. Don't they?
Karl: Punished?
Susan: At this point, I'd like to point out that, uh, it was Karl...who proposed.
Edie: Karl, you are gonna throw me...an elaborate wedding.
Karl: Yes, of course, anything baby... How elaborate?
Edie: Well, figure out exactly what it is that you could afford, and triple it! (to Susan) As for you...
Susan: Ok. Now remember, I'm broke.
Edie: I'm well aware of your church mouse status. I don't intend to lift a finger during the planning and execution of this crushingly expensive wedding.
Susan: No. No, of course not. And anything I can do to help, uh, you know, I would, I could help with the engagement party... How's that?
Edie: Well, I wasn't planning on inviting you. But, I will need a
bartender. Oh, oh, and, um, make sure you come in through the back door.

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike

(After Julie discovers her parents in bed together)
Susan: I have a good explanation for all this.
Julie: Doubt it.
Susan: You probably don't know your father and Edie broke up last night.
Julie: You slept with him the same night he broke up with her.
Susan: I said it was a good explanation, not a great one.