Susan: (opens the door to Karl and Edie) Hi! What's going on?
Edie walks in, past Susan, without saying a word
Karl: Edie wants to discuss our littledeception.
Susan: Exactly how ugly is this gonna get?
Edie: (shouts from the other room) How long does it take to shut a door?!

Edie: (to Susan) This is Gary Grantham, your future ex-husband. Listen, I've got to meet a client, I've got to go, so just talk amongst yourselves and... you two make a very handsome couple.
Gary: Hi.
Susan: Hi.
Gary: So, you want to get married on Wednesday? Because Thursday and Friday I'm out of town.
Susan: Oh! Oh, yeah sure, that's... Wednesday's great...

All we have to do is find a guy who is willing to marry you. You know, come to think of it, a little prayer might not be such a bad idea after all.

Edie: (referring to Betty's friendliness) I don't trust friendly women.
Lynette: That's okay, they don't trust you either.

Edie: What do you guys think about the Applewhites?
Susan: I like 'em, very nice, very...
Bree: Interesting.
Susan: Right! Interesting!
Edie: Hmm, they weird me out too.

Susan (standing in front of her garage with the word "whore" spray-painted on): Hello, Edie. Do you have something you'd like to say?
Edie: No, that pretty much says it all.

Susan. Why are you so eerily calm? Mike Delfino just dumped you. The Susan Mayer I know would be a blubbering mess right now. Oh, come on, trot her on out. She's fun to watch.

Well, someone might as well say it... Susan what the hell have you been smoking?

Ida: What's going on?
Edie: Oh, Mayer thinks Paul Young murdered Martha Huber.
Ida: Oh my God, I live right behind him.
Alberta: I know, I gave him my keys so he could feed my cat.
Edie: I win. I made out with him.

Bree: Well, I have some good news. The police have finally released Rex's body.
Gabrielle: About time.
Susan: You must be so relieved.
Bree: You know, mostly I'm just annoyed that the whole thing happened in the first place. I mean, how in the world could anybody accuse me of murder?
Edie: Well, you are wound pretty tight. (everyone looks at her) What? The supermom is always first to snap. They've done studies.

(to Betty about the mailman) Well, he was great, but then he had this stroke, and now we're lucky if he doesn't drool all over the coupons.

Bree: My husband, the man I spent my life with for eighteen years, died thinking that I murdered him!
Susan: What?
Bree: Yes, the cardiologist shared this moronic theory with Rex and Rex believed him!
Gabrielle: Are you sure?
Bree: Yes, because he left a note. And it said, and I quote, "Bree, I understand and I forgive you." I spent eighteen years of my life with this man. How could he not know me?
Edie: Well, maybe he was forgiving you for something else.
Bree: I have done nothing to be forgiven for! I was a fantastic wife! When he was sick, I nursed him. When we were low on money, I stayed within a budget. I cooked his meals, I mended his clothes. For the love of God, I used to check his back for acne. And that miserable son of a bitch has the nerve to understand and forgive me! Well, the joke's on him because I do not understand and I do not forgive!

Desperate Housewives Quotes

(Susan is trying to visit Mike at the coma ward)
Nurse: You need to leave. You're disturbing the other patients.
(a security guard grabs Susan by the arms)
Susan: What are you... Oh... This is ridiculous. Who am I disturbing? It's a coma ward, don't you want them to wake up?

My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally there is never anything newsworthy about my life, but that all changed last Thursday. Of course everything seemed quite normal at first. I made breakfast for my family, I performed my chores, I completed my projects, I ran my errands. In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day, quietly polishing the routine of my life, until it gleamed with perfection. That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used

Mary Alice