George: Well, what do they look like?
Jerry: Like keys, George. They look like keys. They look exactly like keys... What do they look like...

Kramer: Do you ever yearn?
George: Yearn? Do I yearn?
Kramer: I yearn.
George: You yearn?
Kramer: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit...and yearn. Have you yearned?
George: Well not recently. I craved.

Kramer: (disgusted) Look at you.
George: Aw, Kramer, don't start.
Kramer: You're wasting you're life.
George: I am not! What you call wasting, I call living! I'm living my life.
Kramer: Okay, like what? No, tell me! Do you have a job?
George: No.
Kramer: You got money?
George: No.
Kramer: Do you have a woman?
George: No.
Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
George: No.
Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
George: No.
Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George: I like to get the Daily News.

(Newman refuses to tell Jerry and George where Kramer is)
Jerry: (to Newman) Now, you better tell me where Kramer is, or are we gonna have to do this the hard way?
(Hits the wall with his fist)
Newman: Help! Help!
Jerry: Where's Kramer?
Newman: Help!
(Elaine enters)
Elaine: What's going on?
(Newman hides behind Elaine)
Newman: They're gonna beat me up!
George: No we're not.
Jerry: We're trying to find out what happened to Kramer.
Newman: You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I'll tell you what happened to Kramer. He was ticked off. About they keys. Yeah, that's right - about the keys. Thought he got a bad rap.
Jerry: Bad rap?
Newman: Yeah, from you.
Jerry: Me?
Newman: You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La Land. LA.

Kramer: Having the keys to Jerry's apartment - that kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house it was like a vacation: better food, better view, better TV, cleaner, oh, much cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes. I was living in the twilight, living in the shadows, living in the darkness like you.
George: Me?!
Kramer: Oh, I can barely see you, George.
George: Stop it Kramer, you're freakin' me out.

Kramer: What's going on?
Mike: Hey, will you come on down? This guy's in my space!
George: IT'S MY SPACE!

Jerry: What did you do to my car?!
George: I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror. I got discombobulated.
Elaine: Oh, like you've ever been "bobulated."

You don't understand. A garage, I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?

Mike: Hey, pal. You're not getting that space. I mean, I'll sleep in my car if I have to.
George: I'll die out here.

Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on.

George: I really think it looks good.
Elaine: Ten bucks, how can you go wrong?
George: All bald people look good in hats.
Elaine: You should have lived in the '20s and '30s, you know men wore hats all the time then.
George: What a bald paradise that must have been.

George: You're gonna have to go to the bathroom!
Mike: You're gonna have to go to work!
George: I don't have a job!
Mike: Neither do I!

Seinfeld Quotes

I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I I I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like "Where to meet men?" We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

Jerry

Let's face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The difference between a date and job interview is not many interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end.

Jerry