You put a real cougar on Cougar Town! And now that cougar's dead because Courtney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws!

Quagmire: Joe, your 25-year-old son and your baby daughter share a room just so you can keep a weirdo Beautiful Mind room? Isn't that a little bizarre?
Kevin Swanson: And then we the dug the bullets out of that Iraqi family's skulls so they couldn't be traced back to us.
Susie Swanson: [thinking in Patrick Stewart's voice] Today, I saw the moon!

Peter: I like that you can tell me your stories starting at the Clam and end it on a ferris wheel.
Quagmire: Yeah, people are starving in Africa and I'm in a carnival with my best buddies on a beautiful night. Blessings. Blessings.

Quagmire: Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you? You always told us you fell off a roof during a fight with the Grinch.
Joe: ...I lied.

Dr. Hartman: Glenn Quagmire? Why does that name sound familiar? Oh yeah, I treated you for butt flu.
Quagmire: Hey, you wanna keep it down?
Dr. Hartman: Hey now, that's my privilege as a doctor to talk about that sort of stuff.

Quagmire: Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads.
Peter: There ya go, that's pretty gross.

Quagmire: Hey slow down, drive like hell, you'll get there!
Peter: Quagmire, what the hell are you doing?
Quagmire: I'm letting all these hot rodders know this is a neighborhood, not a speedway track!

Joe: It feels good to know that thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight.
Peter: Is that a thing?
Quagmire: It's a great thing.

Hey kid, come here. I wanna see if I can still smell your mom's boobs on your mouth.

Peter: I mean, who says the body next to you has to be male or female? Or whatever!
Quagmire: Or alive!
Peter: Yeah! Well, no. But yeah!

Peter: "I'M Back Bush?"
Quagmire: "This can't be a surprise to you, Peter."
Peter: "Yea, I knew, I just didn't know you knew!"

Carter: "Hey Quandry."
Quagmire: "No, no it's Quagmire."

Family Guy Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Brian: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no. Now hang on... hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're going to be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your step-dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
(Connie cries and runs)