Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXGlenn Quagmire Quotes
Come on guys, can't we all just be glad she's dead?
C-3PO/Quagmire: Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are 2-1!
Han/Peter: Never tell me the o-oh... well that's not bad. Never mind, let's keep going.
Han/Peter: Hey, let me introduce everybody. You remember Chewbacca and this is my special friend Leia and that's uh... that's Sarge over there.
C-3PO/Quagmire: You don't know my name do you? You never bothered to learn it.
Han/Peter: What are you talkin' about? We've been through all kinds of space adventures together. Of course I know you slugger.
C-3PO/Quagmire: Sha, sure. Nice to meet you. I'm C-3PO...
Han/Peter: C3PO. Yeah I was just gonna introduce you, C-3PO. Why didn't you let me C-3PO?
Lando/Neil: Uh... Maybe we should go inside.
Han/Peter: Yeah let's get inside C-3PO. You ever been to cloud city C-3PO?
Peter: Hispanic female doctor or gay masseuse?
Quagmire: Hispanic from Spain?
Peter: no.
Quagmire: So it's basically, "would your rather get a massage from a gay man or die?"
Joe, don't you dare. I'll push you right into traffic.
Hi Angela. I'm Peter's friend, Glen Quagmire. Thanks for having me in your home and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire. Some friend, huh?
Joe: (about Peter's parrot) Hey Peter you kinda look like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder.
Peter: A pirate? Oh cool!
Cleveland: You should get a pirate name.
Joe: And a peg leg.
Cleveland: And a hook hand.
Quagmire: And you should have sex with that crossing guard even though she looked young, and then I found out she was 12.
(everyone stares at him)
Quagmire: I mean you should get an eye patch.
Joe: Eye patch would be cool.
Chris: Hey fellas. Um, I have a question. I went on a date with this girl that I really like, and if you don't mind, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the birds and the bees?
Peter: Ahhh, my boy wants to know about sex.
Quagmire: Came to the right place.
Joe: Chris, what you always want to remember is that sex is perfectly natural.
Chris: Well uh, sorry Mr. Swanson. Um, I wasn't really talking to you.
Joe: Chris, I know a lot about sex.
Chris: Yeah, and I'm sure you have fond memories, but I was kinda hoping to get some advice from someone who isn't broken from the waist down.
Joe: I'm a father!
Chris: You're a two-wheeled monster!
Peter: Alright guys, it's going to be a long night of border patrol, so I brought in Michael McDonald to help us.
Cleveland: How's he gonna help us?
Peter: He's going to do backup vocals for everything we say.
Cleveland: How's he gonna know what we're saying?
Michael McDonald (singing): How's he gonna know what we're saying?
Quagmire: Is he gonna do it for all of us?
Michael McDonald (singing): Is he gonna do it for all of us?
Peter: Yeah I hired him for the night, cost about $250 an hour, so don't skimp on the conversation.
Michael McDonald (singing): Yeah I hired him for the night, cost about $250 an hour, so don't skimp on the conversaaaationnn!
Cleveland: That sounds nice.
Quagmire: That fat bastard murdered Lois! That son of a bitch; he's a killer like Bernie Getz! You know, the killer from the eighties. I used to do a bit on him back when I did stand-up.
(Flashback to a younger Quagmire on a stage)
Quagmire: Ah, what else is in the news? Oh, oh Bernie Getz. D-Did you hear this? This guy Bernie Getz shot a bunch of muggers on the subway. Wouldn't mind having him when I go see my mother in law. (Microphone whines) No, but really, New York City's a great place to live...if you're a COCKROACH!
Man in Audience: You suck!!
Quagmire: (Sadly) I know.
Quagmire: Alright Peter, this is a tough one. Alright, you ready for this? Okay, would you have sex with Cleveland, if it meant you could have sex with Angelina Jolie?
Peter: Uhhh, yeah, yeah I'd probably do it.
Quagmire: Hang on, hang on. Missionary, and you have to look him in the eye. No closing your eyes and pretending it's somebody else.
Peter: (Pauses) I think still, yes.
Cleveland: Thank you Peter.
(Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are in the Drunken Clam)
Peter: Hey, check it out you guys. I got a new cell phone that takes pictures. Look, look, I took a picture of Lois' poo.
(they all laugh)
Quagmire: Oh, that's hilarious. You should email that to me.
