I just ordered an extra-long straw to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up

I decided to get in better shape quick. Didn't want to end up like my old man. Although he did die doing what he loved - refusing service to hippies who came into his store.

Could you make it a double? I'm traveling with my family.

Jay: Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven and landed on earth.
Gloria: I didn't... oh, because I'm an angel!

Jay: It's just the doorbell.
Manny: Maybe a demon is ringing it!

Jay: What's up with the big sweater at a concert? Some sort of gay thing?
Mitchell: No, it's from this apres-ski party and... yes, it's some sort of gay thing.

Jay: You want scary? When I was his age I lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis. I slept with a butter knife under my pillow in case I had to fight some Soviet colonel.
Gloria: Why?
Jay: Because I could identify all the Commi planes.
Gloria: What are we talking about?!?

Manny: Any suggestions?
Jay: I usually go with earrings

Gloria [at chess]: Look at this, papi!
Jay: Easy, you can't sing "We Are The Champions" without your Queen.

You said that everything you needed to learn you'd learn from Westside Story.

I'm going to teach him the real version, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.

Gloria: And you really didn't know he was gay?
Jay: I must have, right?

Modern Family Quotes

Gloria [punches guy]: Nobody calls him grandpa!
Luke: I do.

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me