Gloria: What about the pigeons?
Jay: I don't like them. They're shifty.

I only understand about 20% of what goes on around here.

I could have guessed he'd have trouble with roller coasters. That kid gets woozy at barbershops when they spin his chair towards the mirror.

I have to get old... you don't have to get fat.

I mean, for me it's a locker room. For him, it's a showroom.

Cameron: Don't tell me that was your first moon landing.
Jay: You have a name for it?!?

We're guys, we don't open up. We talk about sports and cars and getting up in the middle of the night to pee.

He lost his monocle on the drive. Head was out the window.

You're just mad at the old balls and chain.

I could be a chump, do the usual, give the money back to the casino. Or I could do something for myself and get something from the casino store.

We're both with people different from us, and that's gonna create stuff. But you want different.

I could be sitting grill-side watching a guy build an onion volcano. Instead, I got Rico Suave in my kitchen.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Cam [giving Lily dating advice]: Definitely compliment his outfit, laugh at his jokes...
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cam: Oh honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.