Well, right after I got your test results back, I got on the horn with your dad. We started a phone tree, to find everyone. Now, there were some tears, mostly mine, but we got it done.

Tamara: Do I smell banana conditioner?
J.D.: That's one of my conditioners, yes.

J.D.'s Narration: The key is to be ready for it.
J.D.: I was not ready for this.
Larry: Since Carol is going to lose all of her hair in chemo, we decided to shave all of our heads now. He even agreed to do the cutting.
Dr. Cox: You're up next, there, big guy. I mean, come on. You're all in this together, right?

Dr. Cox: What the hell happened to the days when you used to listen to me?
J.D.: That was a long time ago. Maybe you should listen to me for once.
Dr. Cox: Not in this lifetime. Listen, Newbie, You're not a completely, terribly, horribly incompetent doctor, and while I would never let any of my blood relatives be your patient, and if it was someone that I knew - an acquaintance - I might be okay with you treating them.

Carla: J.D., why don't you tell me what's wrong with your patient Mrs. Jones. Without looking at your chart.
J.D.'s Narration: Carla knew that without charts, doctors didn't know much about their patients.
Fantasy
J.D.: Mr. Barry, I misplaced your chart. I forgot, what's wrong with you again? Oh, that's right. You have a kitty cat stuck in your mouth... Or should I say you have a person stuck around you, little guy. Goo-che-goo-che.

J.D.: Wow.
Lisa: It's just so unfair!
Gloria: So unfair.
J.D.: It really is unfair you guys.

Turk: I may be sterile.
Carla: Oh honey, stay calm. Nobody knows but us.
J.D.: (Over watchie-talkie) You firing blanks, buddy?

J.D.: ...you just gave me some good advice about how to deal about Elliot. Coocheecoochee coo!
Dr. Kelso: Can I fire him?
Dr. Cox: Sleep on it.

J.D.: I'm having a rough morning Brown Bear. How are you doing with your sterility?
Turk: Ahh... I can't really talk about that right now. I'm in an elevator.
J.D.: Not reading you Brown Bear. I repeat, are you still sterile?!
Laverne: This is so juicy that I feel dizzy.

J.D.'s narration: People were starting to talk about Elliot and Keith but I decided to stay above the fray. Then I changed my mind.
(J.D. joins a group of nurses in a circle)
J.D.: Can you believe those two?
Laverne: No I can't. All that carrying on in public.
Nurse: It's way too much.
J.D.: It's just too much. Sorry, I switched places so I could go again.

J.D.: Are you nude right now?
Turk: Yeah! How'd you know?
J.D.: Your voice is always higher when you're nude.
Turk: That's true.
Dr. Cox: It's not weird you know that at all.

Turk: Hey White Shadow.
J.D.: That's not my handle.
Turk: Hey Gizmo.

Scrubs Quotes

I'm narcissitic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure, and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self sabatoge that inevitably end in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.

J.D.

Doug wanted me to give this patient five hundred thousand milligrams of morphine. I thought I'd check with you before I kill a man.

Laverne