Favorite Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
(to George) You know, you really need some help. But a regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like, Vienna, or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the university level. Like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No, you need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you. Like the way they did with the Elephant Man.
That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmund! Flaming globes of Sigmund! That's my note! That's what I thought was so funny? That's not funny. There's nothing funny about that.
Jerry: You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events, but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.
George: What happened to you?
Jerry: Religion, my friend, that's what happened to me.
Kramer: Spector gave it to me. He's giving everything away... becoming a minimalist.George: Is that the guy who likes fat women?Jerry: Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?
Jerry: It smells like a cheap hooker. Or is that you?
Elaine: Give me ten bucks and find out.
George: Well, what do they look like?
Jerry: Like keys, George. They look like keys. They look exactly like keys... What do they look like...
The apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time.
Naomi: I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
Jerry: No, no, no, I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky.
Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Telemarketer: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Telemarketer: No.
Jerry: Well now you know how I feel.
Attendant: More anything?
Jerry: More everything!
Kramer: (on the loney librarian) She needs a little tenderness...she needs a little understanding...she needs a little Kramer.
Jerry: Then she'll need a little penicillin.
I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time? I don't understand it. When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in, we're all wearing leather. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here!" "Is it suede?" "I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!"
