Jim: Why is there so much saliva?
Dwight: All I had to do was think about pie and my salivary glands did the rest.

Jim: How many buttons do you have?
Dwight: 40...always.

Dwight: What is the antidote?
Jim: True love's kiss.

Do you shower at night? Or do you shower in the morning? 'Cause I wanna shower when you're showering...save some water.

I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve...I was home by nine.

Jim: Stop shoving me.
Dwight: Aww, stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my penis. Grow up.

Oh my boss is singing "Closing Time."

Jim: This is literally how they built the pyramids.
Dwight: Well they whipped people, which was helpful.

Jim: I mean I don't even know what I'd do with all that money.
Dwight: I know what you'd do with all that money. "Hey Pam, let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug."

Andy: You think it has anything to do with the incentive program?
Jim: Oh absolutely. People wanna see you tattoo your ass.

He talked her out of her own job and I don't know how someone does that.

Dwight: What's your daughter's name again? Pee Pee?
Jim: Pee Pa.

The Office Quotes

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Michael