This baby's working on her black belt.

Minister: Are we ready?
Julie: (about Susan and Mike) Are you kidding? They've been dragging this thing out for three years!

Julie: There are only two guys in this world who know all your flaws and have still found a way to love you. You're just gonna toss them both away?
Susan: Yes. I don't need a man. I don't even need sex. I went without it the first sixteen years (Julie gives her a look)twenty-two years of my life, and I can go a few more.

(To Susan, hiding behind the door) You want something bitchier, then do it yourself.

Austin: You won't return my calls.
Julie: Well, I've been busy. Plus, my mom caught you naked on top of my friend!

Susan is picking out a dress to wear to Jane's funeral.
Susan: It's not about me, this is about Jane and Ian. What if I wore this one?
Julie: Then it'll be about Jane, Ian and your boobs.
Susan: I have got to get more depressing clothes.

Susan: (tense) Why were you two talking about condoms?
Julie: Why were you eavesdropping?
Susan: Don't change the subject. Are you two having sex? Because I thought I raised you to be smarter than that. (more tense): Don't you realize that sex is not fun and games? It's dangerous!! Every time you turn around there's a new disease! Do you want it to burn when you pee?
Julie: Mom.
Susan: Sex kills!
Julie: MOM!!!
Susan: WHAT?!!
Julie: I'm not having sex.
Susan: Really?
Julie: Really.
Susan: (Relieved) Oh, thank god.
(They hug)
Susan: If you're not having sex, why were you talking about condoms?

(Julie and Austin are talking about having sex, Susan walks in and they stop)
Susan: Hi!
Austin: Hi.
(Awkward silence)
Susan: Bye!
Austin & Julie: (Smiling) Bye.

Danielle: You hold on to your virginity. If Austin won't wait then he doesn't deserve you.
Julie: I just don't want to lose him.
Danielle: It's better than losing your self respect. Take it from a girl who's known at school as 'Little Miss Van De Tramp'.
Julie: I thought you made that up?
Danielle: Only because it was nicer than the other names they were calling me.

Susan: I'm out of lipstick. Can I borrow yours?
Julie: Sure. (hands her her lipstick)
Susan: Cherry berry?
Julie: Austin likes the way it tastes.
Susan: Oh, I so did not need to know that.

Karl: (About Ian) Fine, that's it, all right? I forbid you to see this guy!
Susan: What?! No! I don't take orders from you!
Julie: Mum has a point, dad. You can't tell her who she can or can't date. It's her choice.
Susan: Exactly, thank you! Wait, no, that does not apply to you!
Karl: You know if you don't care about my feelings, I don't know what I'm doing here!
Susan: Your feelings?! My God! You are the worst bad cop ever!
Susan: (to Julie) Go to your room! (Austin follows) Not you!

Susan: Julie, that boy drinks, he steals, and now I find him mauling you on my couch? That's it! Julie Alexandra Mayer, I forbid you to see him!
Julie: You can't do that! I choose who I date. You don't!
Susan: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe I don't, but I do choose to ground you. Two weeks, baby. No more.
Julie: Fine. I'll just see him at school, then.
Susan: Well, then maybe you won't go to school. I'll home school you.
Julie: Right. You're gonna teach me trig? You can't even balance your own checkbook.
Susan: Yes, and you will be poorly educated, and you won't get into college, and you will work for minimum wage for the rest of your life, and all because of that boy! I hope you're happy!
Julie: Mom, I like this guy, and I'm sorry if it makes you unhappy, but I'm going to keep seeing him no matter what. So don't try to stop me!

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.


(after Andrew tells her he hates her) The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And if you hate me, that means you still care, and we're still connected and I still have a chance to set you right.