Keith Dudemeister Quotes
J.D.: You're late Keith. Which doesn't surprise me, because you're a terrible person.
Keith: Sorry, I was helping with a gunshot victim downstairs.
J.D.: Lies won't get you anywhere, Keith.
Keith: I'm... covered in his blood.
J.D.: That could be anyone's blood.
Carla: Here's the gunshot victim from downstairs.
Gunshot victim: Hey, my blood!
J.D.: That's not your blood.
Gunshot victim: Yes, it is!
J.D.: Quiet time.
Dr. Cox: I would sooner leave my medical care in the hands of Dr. Acula. (J.D. gets excited) Yes, I read your vampire screenplay and as much as it pains me to say it, I didn't hate it. So here's what you have to do with this Keith: Turn the heat up on his ass and he'll make a mistake, then you'll bounce him the hell out of here.
J.D.: What did you think of the Transylvania dream sequence? Because I wrote it while I was on-call and the next morning and I read it and I was like, "What was I thinking?"
Dr. Cox: Bethany, focus.
J.D.: Your hero Keith here, forgot to check the blood levels on Mr. Joy this morning and guess what? He's dead. Way to go, Keith.
Keith: I've never even seen this guy before.
J.D.: Oh! Way to get to know your patients there, murderer.
Doug: There's Mr. Joy. J.D., did you steal him from the morgue?
J.D.: I left a note on the decapitated guy's stump that I'd have him back by 2. It's 1:45!
J.D. comes in, in pain
Keith: You ok, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: Keith, it's like you're begging me to hate you.
Keith: I don't feel like I am.
J.D.: You can't stop, can you?
J.D.: Does anyone know what the cause of death may have been?
Keith: Maybe when you leaned over to check his I.V., you smothered him to death with one your love handles.
J.D.: What did you say, Keith?
Keith: Dr. Reid told me if you picked on me I should stand up for myself. And that you're very sensitive about your doughy physique.
J.D.: Okay, I'm here. What's the emergency, Keith?
Keith: Well, do you want Mr. Fleming on unfractionated or low molecular weight heparin?
J.D.: They're the exact same thing. Every doctor here knows that. Why would you page me?
Dr. Cox: Because I told him to. And I know what you're thinking, Dorothy: Why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh-darn trivial? Well, the real question ought to be, Why when you were an intern did you call me in time after time after time after time! So, now, to commemorate the first of many unnecessary disruptions of your life, I've invited Laverne's church choir here to summarize my feelings in exuberant song.
J.D.: Keith, you've got to stop paging me for totally unimportant things...oooh...that mans chest cavity is completely open, I can see his heart beating!
Keith: He sneezed and all the surgical staples popped out.
J.D.: Good page, Keith, good page!
(J.D. and Keith go and see a patient)
J.D.: Miss Brooks, your blood work looks fine. But I'd like to take one more sample, just for me. (Opens his mouth to reveal fangs and starts biting Miss Brooks, then puts blood in a vile.) You taste a little anemic. Get that down to the lab, buddy.
Keith: Right away, Dr. Acula.
J.D: That's what they call me. How you doing?
(Cuts to the cafeteria with J.D. reading a script to Turk and Elliot, then closes it)
J.D.: The end.
Turk: So Dr. Acula's a doctor and a vampire?
J.D.: He's both. And at the very end, I'm going to put "Dr. Acula" across the screen, take that period, get it out of there, squish it together, it'll say "Dracula".
Turk: That is an awesome ending!
J.D.: Thank you for telling me what I already know, Turk!
Keith: Well, I just told him that there's nothing more we can do right now.
J.D.& Turk: Ooooooh.
Keith: What?
J.D.: "Nothing more we can do right now" implies there may be something we can do tomorrow.
Keith: Well, I also said we'd make him as comfortable as possible!
Turk: Sounds like someone's getting new pillows and a comforter.
J.D.: Yeeeeaaaah, I'm gonna need you to go back in there and use some form of the word "die" - dead, dying, deadsies, Deadwood - your choice.
Keith: What was the middle one?
J.D.: Deadsies.
Turk: Check it out - Keith's telling Mr. Morrison about his brain tumor.
J.D.'s Narration: Seeing an intern tell someone they're gonna die for the first time is strange. Because even though it's a horrible and sad experience, if they get through it, there's a sense of... accomplishment.
Keith: Nailed it! Hell, yeah!
J.D.: Have you guys been fake-laughing at my jokes? Be honest, I promise: absolutely no ramifications!
Keith: Well, we've been kinda fake-laughing!
J.D.: Keith, I hope you die a violent death and bugs eat your corpse!
