Yeah Stevie, I'm pretty sure the guy I'm looking for didn't direct the f*cking blair witch project. Just forget you ever heard the name Eduardo Sanchez. Forget that he supposedly lives in a village near here. Forget that he is not Mexican, but a gringo.

I can't believe I opened up my heart up to that bitch. Opened it wide up. And she just squatted with that big beautiful booty and dumped all over it.

Once again I'm with the hottest chick in town, buyin' the most expensive fashions, dinin' in the fanciest food places, riding around on goddamn jet skis. Rainin' trim. Hallucinogens. Jet skis again. Throwin' heat. And getting laid.

Did this tale end the way I thought it would? Probably not. But as long as I win, who gives a sh*t?

Gross! You're crop dusting my whole entire bedroom with your pubes right now. Don't be sorry, dude. Just cover up that marblesack.

Is that my thong? Oh, dude no way! You do not go in my drawers and take out a pair of my chones. That is a big no no!

There's gonna be an ass ton of crabs, lobsters, wine, Bartles & Jaymes, corn on the cob, f*ckin booger sugar.

If I had to choose, I mean historically, I've always considered myself to be a tit man.

It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass.

It's like goddamn cocktober fest in here. I'm excited too, but let's not touch dicks, alright.

I'm wearing all black. Outlaws wear black. Fags and cocaine dealers wear white.

I got this country wet, and now its time to bend this bitch over and make her cum.

Eastbound & Down Quotes

Down there I fought and fucked my way to being the greatest gringo that country has ever seen.


It's better to be strangled by a necklace of Mexicans than to be strangled by no one.