Kenny: Who the fuck are you?
Pat: I'm your dad. No, I'm just kidding, your dad's dead.

Kenny: You know how you think there's two kinds of lesbians: the really hot ones that are on Cinemax and get it on all the time, and then the really mean ones? Miss Carol is neither of those.

(To Wayne)
I know deep within you there's a humongous set of testicles just waiting to drop down.

Just like Neil Armstrong, I went to space, and now I'm back and nobody gives a shit.

You wanna fight do it on your own time, in a parking lot somewhere, not in a school surrounded by books.


So, besides getting shot in the back of the head do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school and no, I'm not making that up.

If there's one thing I hate it's losing. If there's two things I hate it's losing and getting cancer.

Kenny: What are you looking at?
Paper Boy: Your hair asshole.
Kenny: Yeah, nice job making three bucks a week dipshit. Sell weed and you'll make more money.

Kenny: I need you to score me some juice.
Clegg: What do you mean? Like from the store.
Kenny: No, you idiot. Steroids!

Ashley: I don't want to be embarrassed.
Kenny: Well, you're doing a good job of that on your own just by how you fucking look.

Kenny: I thought Ashley Schaeffer was gonna be a woman.
Ashley: I love women, so I'll take that as a compliment.

Kenny: Man, this feels good Clegg.
Clegg: Did you take one of those black beauties? The ecstasy?
Kenny: Nah dude. This is a real job. It's not like teachin' kids. Can't get fucked up.

Eastbound & Down Quotes

Down there I fought and fucked my way to being the greatest gringo that country has ever seen.


It's better to be strangled by a necklace of Mexicans than to be strangled by no one.