Laurie: Hey hot flash, did you do that? (It says FAKE on her purse)
Ellie: Yes, I did. See the reason why I buy expensive things is to belittle people who cant afford them.

Ellie: It's for the lady who likes to lounge by the pool, but also get paid for sex.
Laurie: You can do that? Is that a job?

Ellie: Really Bug Hookers?
Laurie: That's the title!

Laurie: Okay I'm lost inside my brain again...
Ellie: Oh jelly bean.
Laurie: Drinking games! I love drinking games!

Jules: All together now -
Everyone: If it's on the internet, it must be true!
Jules: Exactly now, everyone sip please.
Travis: Afternoon booze bags. What are we celebrating now?
Jules: Science.

As my uncle dad always told me, check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

Jules: You can't wear fake nails on just one hand, it makes you look like a crazy whore
Laurie: I only had four left and this is the hand I smoke with

Jules: Name one thing I've done to Travis that is "meddlesome."
Bobby: Watched him sleep.
Ellie: You scared his girlfriend away.
Laurie: You want to live in his blood.

Wrong Balls is trending on Twitter. It's above Bieber.

If there's anything we've learned from Michelle Pfieffer in Dangerous Minds, or Sandy Bullock in The Blind Side, or Hilary Swank in that movie nobody ever saw, is that all you need to fix minority problems is a really pretty white woman.

Travis: Are there really women out there that will have sex with me just because they're mad about something?
Laurie: Oh yeah, for sure.
Travis: This is very exciting news.
Laurie: You know there are also girls that will sleep with you because their friends are prettier.
Travis: This just keeps getting better.

I'm gonna leave before I stab a bitch.

Cougar Town Quotes

Jules: You see that young gentleman there, I'd love to lick his body
Woman: That's my son
Jules: Ooh, he looks smart

Jules: When a 40-something guy gets divorced, it's always: "Way to go, Tiger!"
Grayson: We don't call each other Tiger. It's always Champ, or Samurai.