Veronica: I like that hairstyle. It's very powerful. Would you mind if I wore my hair like that?
Linda: Of course not.
Veronica: Good. Then you can't anymore

Linda: You know, my cousin uses the wheelchair you guys invented, the ones that climb stairs.
Ted: You know, it was my idea to give them brakes. You should have seen those suckers barreling downstairs

Linda: You realize that if this project goes forward, all the aborigines in Australia will lose their sense of smell.
Ted: Which is why I'm going to kill it. That's just too high a price to pay for fabric softener.
Linda: If those aborigines were here, they'd smell a good man

Ted: Fine, from now on, no more flirting. We keep it professional.
Linda: Fine with me... boss.
Ted: Good. Starting now, you're just another butt-less coworker.
Linda: Good. Then the door has nothing to hit on my way out

Linda: But, fine, what did you want to talk about?
Ted: Well, your work habits and how bad they are and how much that bugs me.
Linda: Okay, this can wait. Go ahead.
Ted: Well, to begin with, your work habits are bad, uh, and in conclusion, that bugs me.

Linda: Are you staring at my butt?
Ted: Hmm? No, your butt is in my staring place. So technically, it's staring at me.
Linda: Sorry. It's from a small town. It's never seen a big businessman like you before.
Ted: Well tell it to act more professional. It's making a spectacle of itself

Ted: Well, I'd love to help you, Linda, but I don't have a lot of space in here.
Linda: In here. In here... in here.
Ted: And there's that terrible echo

Linda: Field testing shows that the subject, or "victim," as I like to call people "helped" by Veridian Technology, can be hundreds of feet away and will hear the message as though it's being whispered only to them.
Phil: It's highly persuasive. Advertising companies are very excited because it will allow them to burrow even deeper into the human brain

Linda: There's a single dads club that meets on the fifth floor every week. Maybe you should check it out.
Ted: Eh, I guess I could go beat up some single dads

Ted: I'm a little preoccupied. I almost killed a man in the basement.
Linda: Huh. Last week a story like that would've surprised me. So who'd you almost kill? Was it Joe? I hate that guy. He took half my cubicle

Veronica: Linda, I feel like you've been wanting to get our relationship back to the way it was.
Linda: What gave you that idea--the fact that you shrunk my cubicle into a hobbit hole?
Veronica: Now let's not get into "who shrunk whose office" or "who canceled whose dental plan

Veronica: I'll take you to breakfast--somewhere where the meals don't end with the word "slam."
Linda: I don't know. I've got a lot of work to do on the Doppler Project.
Veronica: You're with the boss. Relax. Besides, I can give the Doppler Project to Joe.
Linda: Really? Because I do hate the Doppler Project.
Veronica: And I hate Joe. So everybody wins

Better Off Ted Quotes

Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things

Ted

Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie