Dr. Hibbert: Well, only one in two million people has what we call the "evil gene". Hitler had it, Walt Disney had it, and... Freddy Quimby has it.
Lionel Hutz: Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case.
Judge Snyder: You rest your case?
Lionel Hutz: What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed.

I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer.

As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!

(Homer negotiates a baby-sitting rate with Lionel Hutz.)
Homer: We pay 8 dollars for the night and you can take 2 popsicles outta the freezer.
Lionel Hutz: Three.
Homer: Two.
Lionel Hutz: Okay, two and I get to keep this old birdcage!
Homer: Done!

That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." Which is unbreakable!

I was watching Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on but I got the gist of it.

Lionel Hutz: First, some ground rules: Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half-hour.
Devil Flanders: Agreed! Number two, the jury will be chosen by me!
Lionel Hutz: Agreed. No, wait--
Devil Flanders: Silence! I give you the Jury of the Damned! Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon--
Nixon: But I'm not dead yet! In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.
Devil Flanders: Hey, listen; I did a favor for you!
Nixon: Yes, master.
Devil Flanders: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, the starting line-up of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers!
Simpsons: Ahh!

Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I- uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidently" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."

Lionel Hutz: Don't worry, Homer. I have a fool proof strategy to get you out of here: surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him!

Gladys: Now let's get down to business. (Voice changes to Lionel Hutz) To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.
Marge: MR. HUTZ!
Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would!

Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of false advertising since my case against "The Never-Ending Story"!

Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.

The Simpsons Quotes

(Bart shows the whole classroom the tape for his project called, "How Kittens Are Born: The Ugly Truth")
Bart: and here comes Snowball II. This is the one we kept.
All: EWW!!
Bart: We were gonna keep the gray one, but the mother ate her.
All: EWWWWW!!
Martin: Mrs. Krabappel, he's traumatizing the children!
Mrs. Krabappel: As usual, I agree with you, Martin. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately!
Bart: Oh, look! This is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make 'em go back in.
(The whole classroom screams)

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!