Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXLois Griffin Quotes
Lois: Look Meg, A, Ear sex is just unnatural, and B, how do I say this, vaginal intercourse is...it..its just tops! It's the bee's knees Meg. Oh, when your rattle it around just right, oh my god! I mean, you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose! Meg! Meg?
(pans to see Brian in the doorway)
Brian: I love you.
Lois: Peter, do you know that they are not teaching sex-ed at Chris's school?
Peter: Eh, let em figure it out the way I had to. With a can of crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way Lois, that's the natural way.
Lois: Peter, what the hell is this?
Peter: My chastity belt.
Lois: A chastity belt? What in God's name is that for?
Peter: I'm abstinent Lois, it's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay, and Gays into Mexicans, everyone goes down a notch.
Peter: (After Sex) Ah, that was great. Where'd you get that tatoo on your lower back?
Lois: I dunno, Peter. Meth is a hell of a drug.
Lois: Chris, I don't like this attitude of yours.
Chris: I don't care what you think of me!
Peter: Oh, I envy that. I am so self-concious about what people think of me.
Chris, you can't join the army, you're too young. Besides, the Army's weak. Now the Marines, those are the men you wanna (Bleep).
Lois: (opens Chris's closet) What the hell!? Marilyn Manson? Is that who's causing all this?
Peter: Yeah, it's all him or hers fault. Who does he or she think he or she is. Look, you can totally see his or her nipples. That's obscene maybe.
Lois: There's only one thing to do.
Peter: You're right, we've got to find this Marilyn Manson and I've gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.
Lois: So how was work today, Meg?
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Lois: Peter, you lost your job because of the superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg.
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Lois: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says 'Meg.'
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Brian: So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Chris: (laughs) Meg!
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Chris: Meg!
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Chris: Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!
Peter: (blows raspberries)
Chris: (whispers) Meg!
Peter: (blows silent raspberry)
Meg: I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family that has a job!
Peter: (whispers something in Brian's ear)
Brian: (chuckles) Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.
Meg: (to Brian) What did he just say to you?!
Brian: Nothing. It's like-- There was-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg.
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Peter: Okay Lois, you can open your eyes now!
Lois: (sees the tank) Boccie balls!
(Watching airplanes flying at the airshow) Oh this so exciting! Maybe we'll get lucky and see another crash this year.
(Lois is entering the basement holding Stewie)
Stewie: I have so much fun when we hang out Lois, and I love your hair. We should make up a name for your hair color. We could call it like, like strawberry sunset, or ginger maiden. Or or or one of those hair color names thats a random noun, like temptress.
(Lois turns on the Washer)
Stewie: (gasps) Oooh oooh! At some point you have to let me braid it!
(Lois places Stewie into the washing machine)
Stewie: Lois, what are you doing!?
(Lois repeatedly slams the lid on Stewie, and then shuts it)
Stewie: (muffled) ahhhhhh!
(Suddenly, Lois wakes up from what was just a bad dream)
Lois: (Breathing heavily) Oh my god. Oh my god, what's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him under water. (gasps) I'm just like Barbara Bush!
Lois: Peter, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter: I...was...raped.
