Alan: You know what the problem is? Walden does not appreciate anything I bring to the party.
Lyndsey: I have never seen you bring anything to a party, except a Ziploc bag to steal the shrimp.

Walden: I am a failure
Lyndsey: No, you are not, but you looked like one in college... I would not have slept with you, and I slept with everyone.

Alan: My ex-wife tried to seduce me.
Lyndsey: Judith flirted with you?
Alan: Oh God no!!
Lyndsey: The beautiful one?

Lyndsey: The guest toilet is broken; I want you to fix it.
Alan: Are we role playing? I am the naughty plumber here to snake your drain.
Lyndsey: No, you are the loving boyfriend, here to fix my toilet.

Zoey: Interesting, I can imagine you as a drunken Sodomite, never imagining you for liking poetry.
Lyndsey: Oh no, I really do, here is a poem you might appreciate:
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I am nice person
And you can bite my pale, unrefined ass.
Zoey: A lady does not bite; she will however make you wear that ass as a bonnet.

Lyndsey: I am not a fan of fat people singing in a foreign language for two and a half hours.
Zoey: Well, Opera is not for everyone, to appreciate it requires a refined taste and certain amount of education.

Zoey: I slept like a baby.
Lyndsey: Hope you did not wet the bed.

There's not enough cranberry juice in the world to put out the fire between my legs.

You feel like an idiot? That casting agent said he could get me on Melrose Place.

Lyndsey: I'm so full it'd be like sticking a pin in a balloon.
Alan: Can we please not call it a pin?

Lyndsey: I think you underestimate your brother.
Charlie: Oh, it's not an estimate. I already got the bill.

Lyndsey: Oh, God. You saw "Cinnamon's Buns?"
Charlie: Not all the way through. Though I'm very familiar with the bakery shop scene in the middle. You know, with the frosting gun?

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.