Lynette: Huh. That's weird.
Tom: What?
Lynette: I have an "Isn't that Ironic?" app that usually buzzes when people say stuff like that.

Lynette: You tidied up the dead guy?
Bree: I felt it was respectful at the time.

Come in! And don't be an axe murderer.

My son eats waffsicles!

You had me at stupid girlfriend.

What is that... 5 guys in a week? Is she starting a basketball team?

The last guy who saw me naked told me not to wait too long around pap smears.
 

Renee: Oh my God, look at your hair!
Lynette: Do you like it?
Renee: Is it permanent?
Lynette: No.
Renee: Then I love it!

This one kept knocking me up so I won't get to be nostalgic until I'm 90.

Lynette: I thought you had a date with Ben.
Renee: He cancelled again. Some stupid real estate project for the poor. Bastard.

Let the dating begin.

You can't marry that sunflower seed.

Desperate Housewives Quotes

(Susan is trying to visit Mike at the coma ward)
Nurse: You need to leave. You're disturbing the other patients.
(a security guard grabs Susan by the arms)
Susan: What are you... Oh... This is ridiculous. Who am I disturbing? It's a coma ward, don't you want them to wake up?

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike