Penny: Hello Gay Sir.
Max: Hello Countess von Boobs.

Jane you're actin extra nuts, and I'm not talking about mistaking the teaspoon with tablespoon kinda nuts I'm talking about Mel Gibson downing a 5 hour energy and showing up at a Bar Mitzvah kinda nuts.

It's my fault, I know I'm sorry. It's just I got all paranoid that you guys would move on and start doing rich stuff and I'd never see you guys again because you'd be goin to Eyes Wide Shut parties or hunting people for sport with Tommy Hilfiger or whatever rich people supposedly do.

We were gonna tag along with you guys to that bris. Alex had never been to one and I don't remember my first two. Of course the second one was less of a religious ceremony and more of a horrific jet skiing accident.

Max: I wouldn't say we spend that much time together, I mean just breakfast 4 or 5 times a week before work.
Dave: And drinks during the day most days, not everyday but definitely every evening.
Penny: And sure we always deliver news in person.

What are we gonna do with this big group tomorrow? A little 4 on 4 hoops, maybe an 8 person party bike, a Chinese New Year dragon?

Max: What are all those red arrows for?
Jane: Oh, those are all the areas that need improvements.
Max: But those are all of them.
Jane: Yeah, you've got lots of bad areas. You're like the Oakland of gay guys.

I know you didn't want me at your little couples game night, but what you didn't count on was the extent of my loneliness.

Dammit Chad, you got me in trouble again. That's my underwear monster, I believe you two have met.

You need a dirtbag and luckily enough for you my middle name is Herbert and I'm a dirtbag.

I mean, you practically begged me to do it by begging me not to do it. In fact sir I would like an apology, I am hurt. I am deeply hurt that you do not know me well enough to know that I would screw this up for you.

Ahh gay wit, the white noise of the hair salon.

Happy Endings Quotes

You're sweating on my bruschetta.

Jane [to Brad]

The weird part is, now that I have a guy, everybody wants to set me up. Oh I know Al! I should hook you up with one of my "extras."