Michael Bluth Quotes
Gob: I'm gonna be busy this weekend being a Judge Pageant.
Narrator: Gob has been a Judge Pageant for years.
Gob: Can you believe what it does to your sex life?
Michael: I don't wanna hear it.
Gob: I don't wanna say it. First place, chick's hot, but has an attitude: doesn't date magicians. Second place, is someone weird usually, like a Chinese girl or a geologist. But third of all, although a little bit plain, her super low self-esteem. So I step in and lay her 'crown' upon my sweet 'head'.
Michael: Have I missed this euphemism?
(Talking before a beauty pageant)
Ann: I could sing to the camel!
Tobias: Yes, we can Google some disco songs with the word 'hump' in them.
Ann: Cute.
George Michael: No, that sounds a bit racy.
Tobias: Okay, he may be afraid of sex but you're not going to win without it.
George Michael: No, I'm not afraid of sex.
Tobias: Oh, good. Have sex with this girl right now. Do it. Go. Get in there, have some sex with her right now.
Tobias: She's a girl, I need to teach her how to be a woman. Within her lies a queen. Let me out that queen.
Michael: Yeah, I think you just did.
Michael: I'm not going to lie to your son.
Gob: Come on! I lie to yours all the time.
Michael: (about Steve Holt) Your son?
Gob: According to him.
Michael: And a DNA test.
Gob: I heard the jury's still out on science.
Michael: I was thinking you and I should maybe go play a little catch. You know, maybe go for a run, do some guy stuff.
George Michael: But we're not good at that stuff.
Maeby: Don't you see? I drugged him not to go all the way with him.
George Michael: Well, I think even the anti-drug people are going to be okay with that.
Michael: You know, your average American male is in a perpetual state of adolescence, you know, arrested development.
Narrator: Hey, that's the name of the show.
Michael: It's been a week, nothing's happened.
Larry, the Surrogate: Yeah, but you're not the one stuck under house arrest like a sitting duck.
Michael: Oh yeah, that's my father. That's why we're having the meeting here, so he couldn't interfere.
Larry, the Surrogate: Interfere? I ought to pull down your pants and spank your ass raw.
Michael: I'm sorry, have we met?
Michael: If you're really lonely, maybe it's time you went out there and you got yourself a girlfr.. a pet.
Buster: How about a turtle?
Michael: Great.
Buster: I've always loved those leathery little snappy faces.
Michael: You certainly have a type.
George Michael: I'm just in the middle of a stupid girl problem. That's all.
Michael: I don't even have a girl, much less a stupid one.
George Michael: No, the problem is stupid; the girl isn't stupid.
Narrator: But if they ever had a child, it would be. Because the girl was his cousin Maeby.
Lindsay: You haven't had a serious relationship since your wife, and you guys weren't even speaking towards the end.
Michael: A lot of that was the coma.
Lindsay: Yeah, I've heard your side of it.
