The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXPopular Mr. Burns Quotes
(A government inspection team arrives and inspects the nuclear power plant.)
Government Inspector: Okay, men. Geiger counters on.
(The inspection team turns on their Geiger counters, and they immediately start buzzing.)
Inspection Team: (In unison) Huh?
Mr. Burns: Ah, I suppose that's normal background radiation, the kind you'd find in any well-maintained nuclear facility or, for that matter, playgrounds and hospitals.
(The Government Inspector makes a checkmark on his clipboard.)
Government Inspector: Sorry.
(Cut to the cooling towers.)
Government Inspector: (Whistles in amazement.) Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.
Mr. Burns: Do'h. I'm as shocked as you are.
(Cut to an office inside the power plant.)
Government Inspector: Plutonium rod used as paperweight.
Mr. Burns: Doh, now, that shouldn't be.
(Cut to a work area inside the power plant, where a drop of nuclear waste falls from a leaking pipe and eats through an inspector's clipboard.)
Mr. Burns: Yeah, well, that's always been like that.
Campaign Manager: Congratulations, Mr. Burns. The latest polls show you're up six points.
Mr. Burns: Ah, giving me a total of?
Campaign Manager: Six. But we're on our way!
(In Mr. Burns' office, the Government Inspector gives Mr. Burns his report.)
Government Inspector: Mr. Burns, in 20 years, I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable--
Mr. Burns: Oh look! Some careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars just lying here on my coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone.
(Mr. Burns and Smithers exit for a moment and then return to the office.)
Mr. Burns: Doh! Look, Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here.
(After dinner at the Simpsons goes badly and costs Mr.Burns the election, he and Smithers head home.)
Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
(In a publicity stunt, Mr. Burns is a dinner guest at the Simpson home.)
Homer: Bart, would you like to say grace?
Bart: Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
(Everyone gasps.)
Mr. Burns: (Chuckles) Only an innocent child could get away with such blasphemy. God bless them all. Amen.
(Everyone sighs.)
(With Homer in his car, Mr. Burns suddenly decides to run for governor.)
Homer: Where are we going, sir?
Mr. Burns: To create a new and better world!
Homer: If it's on the way, could you drop me off at my house?
Employee: You're an inspiration to all of us in waste management, sir.
Mr. Burns: Well, take your mind off contaminants for one night and have a hot dog!
Ah, sitting with the employees. I guess this proves I'm their friend. You did get me something on an aisle, Smithers. I don't want to be surrounded by them.
</i> Mr. Burns
(Homer and Mr. Burns sit next to each other during the company outing at Springfield Stadium.)
Mr. Burns: (Taunting) The hitter's off his rocker, kissing Betty Crocker!
Homer: (Laughs) Good one, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, well, I used to rile the late, great Connie Mack with that one at old Shibe Park.
Homer: (Taunting) Little baby batter can't control his bladder!
Mr. Burns: Mmm, crude, but, uh, I like it. Uh, what do you say we freshen up our little drinkie-poos?
Homer: Don't mind if I do.
(Mr. Burns greets the Simpson family on Nuclear Power Plant Family Night at Springfield Stadium.)
Smithers: (Whispering) It's the Simpsons, sir
Mr. Burns: Ah, well, if it isn't the Simps!
Homer: Uh, it-it's Simpsons, sir.
Mr. Burns: Huh?
(Smithers hands Mr. Burns an index card with the Simpson family information.)
Mr. Burns: Oh, uh, oh, yes. Homer and Marge Simpson. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and, uh, "Expecting."
Smithers: Uh, the card needs to be updated, sir.
(Mr. Burns stammers in frustration)
Homer: Well, uh, that's okay. Th-the baby's name isn't important. Let's go, Marge.
(Smithers checks on Bart after Mr. Burns hits him.)
Smithers: Uh-oh. I, uh-I think the boy's hurt.
Mr. Burns: Oh, for crying out loud! Just give him a nickel and let's get going.
Until Roosevelt's new deal starts working, this country's still in a depression. I'm spending a fortune on atoms. We have to cut costs.
