South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralMr. Garrison Quotes
FBI Exec: Where are the children?
Dr. Mephesto: What children?
FBI Exec: This is NAMBLA, right?
Dr. Mephesto: Yes.
FBI Exec: The North American Man Boy Love Association?
Dr. Mephesto: What? No! We're the North American Marlon Brando look alikes!
FBI Exec 2: Aw crap, we got the wrong NAMBLA!
Mr. Garrison: Aw dammit, I'm in the wrong place!
I did not want love from a young boy! I like men my own age. Ahh, I mean, I like women! What did I say? Oh, god. I love titties!
Mr. Garrison: I'm telling you, Officer Barbrady, this is all a terrible mistake.
Barbrady: Well, the FBI says I have to keep you here, so that's what I'm gonna do, Mr. Complainypants.
Child Molester: Do you like having your back rubbed?
Mr. Garrison: Eat me pervert.
Child Molester: Okay.
Mr. Garrison: Now who can tell me what famous person wrote the Declaration of Independence...let me see...how about the new student, Timmy??
Timmy: TIM-MAY!!!
Mr. Garrison: No, it wasn't you Timmy, try again.
Timmy: (garbled words)
Mr. Garrison: Did you not do your homework?
Stan: Haven't you figured it out yet?? Timmy's retarded.
Mr. Garrison: Don't call people names Stanley!!! Timmy, you need to work on your study skills!
Timmy: (garbled noise and blabber)
Mr. Garrison: Are you mocking me?? That's it!! I'm sending your butt to the principal's office!
We're gonna learn about the reproductive system. Vaginas, and penises! Butt sex!
(To his father) Sure, you can go out and screw every whore on Rhode Island, but when it came to your own son, you were just TOO BUSY! (Mr.Garrison runs away crying)
Mr.Garrison
Mr. Garrison Sr.: God Dammit! I'm not going to molest you!
Mr. Garrison: YOU DON'T LOVE ME! (Mr. Garrisons cries as he rushes up the stairs)
Mr. Mackey: M'kay. That sounded great kids.
Mr. Garrison: Sure, if you like the sound of a peacock getting its neck broken.
Mr. Garrison: Goddammit, I don't think you children have been working on your fingering!
Cartman: That's not true, Mr. Garrison. Kyle's been working on his fingering with his mom all night long.
(Kenny laughs)
Kyle: Shut up, fatass!
Cartman: No seriously, Kyle's mom said Kyle getting good at fingering.
(Kenny laughs harder and falls out of his chair)
Mr. Garrison: Shut up, Eric!
Mr. Mackey: M'kay Mr. Hat, you need to let me talk to Mr. Garrison. M'kay?
Mr. Garrison: (as Mr. Hat) Why would he wanna talk to a second rate, dopey assed, elementary school psychologist!?
Mr. Mackey: What did you say?!
Mr. Garrison: (as Mr. Hat) You heard me, jackass! There's monkeys that make better counselors than you!
Mr. Mackey: Garrison, I know this is very difficult, m'kay, but I must ask. Is there a history of sexual abuse in your family?
Mr. Garrison: Some, yes. There was my Uncle Richard. Hehe molested me.
Mr. Mackey: When was that?
Mr. Garrison: Saturday. Lastlast Saturday.
