Chris: Brian's the new Meg! Brian's the new Meg!
Meg: Yeah, you're the new me!
Peter: Shut up, Meg.

"Oh this looks fantastic. I can't wait to poop this out."

You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs laid eggs, and I learned something today

Lois: (Walks into bedroom and hears Peter laugh.) Peter? I know you're in here.
Peter: Yes I am Lois... (High pitched) But where?
Lois: Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you. Peter: You have to find me first Lois. (High pitched) Where could I be? Lois: Well there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before. I gotta figure you're in there. Peter: How do you know, Lois? I could be in that New York Style magazine kiosk. Lois: Peter, this all looks very expensive.
Peter: Yes, you might say it was... shockingly expensive. Lois: I'm going to try the Quonset hut. (Peter comes from behind and shocks her.)
Peter: (Laughs) I was in the bathroom. The hut and the kiosk? Decoys, Lois, decoys! (Laughs and runs)

I guess we learned that no matter who you are or where you come from, life is a terrible thing.

Mr. Weed: Peter! Are you sleeping on the job?
Peter: Uh uh...no!! There's uh...a...bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him

Peter: Lois, you have a gray hair.
Lois: What?
Peter: Inch and a half left of your part.
Lois: Oh my god, you're right.
Peter: You know I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat.
Lois: Screw you Peter.
Peter: Wow, not today.

Hey there Mr. Octopus. I see you got two eyes but not much else. We can fix that. (Takes out marker and starts to draw.) Let's give you a nice twiggly little mustache here. And maybe a big ol' dumb guy smiley mouth. And a couple of eyebrows with one raised up like you're saying, 'Say What?' Oh, look whose got pimples... and right before the big dance. (Starts tapping glass with pen and the tank explodes and octopus attacks Peter.)

You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her.... smoking!

Meg: Mom, can I turn the heat up?
Lois: Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
Meg: Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
[Meg adjusts it a little, and Peter suddenly comes into the room]
Peter: Who touched the thermostat?
Meg: God, how does he always know?
Peter: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial.
Guy: My thing went off! Your thermostat okay?

Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun at the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead end road.

"You don't now how smooth Quagmire is...he's like a vagician!"

Family Guy Quotes

You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!

Stewie

How the hell am I going to break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's going to blame me!

Peter