Peter Griffin Quotes
This is a Hamilton Beach blender we got on our wedding day. It keeps coming back to us in a vicious regifting cycle.
TV Narrator: We now return to Breaking Bad. (hypnotic music plays) You will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone you know.
Peter: I will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone I know.
TV Narrator: Breaking Bad is the best show you've ever seen except maybe The Wire.
Peter: Breaking Bad is the best show I've ever seen except maybe The Wire.
TV Narrator: You will never stop talking about Breaking Bad or The Wire.
Peter: I will never stop talking about Breaking Bad or The Wire.
Meg: But Dad, I still don't understand that whole Immaculate Conception thing. How can anyone get pregnant without having sex?
Peter: Oh, there's lots of stories of that, Meg. Cleveland's got a cousin who had 8 girlfriends get pregnant, and he says he's not responsible for a single one.
(as Joseph) Come on, this is our seventh date! It's completely natural! Birds do it! Bees do it! Dinosaurs whom we live alongside do it!
(narrating) And so Mary and Joseph began their courtship. But even after several dates, Jospeh couldn't get to first base. Not just because Mary was a virgin, but because baseball would not be invented for 1800 years and no one knew what the hell he was talking about.
Peter: (as Joseph) Oh my God, look at that body. Can't you just imagine her standing on people's front lawns inside a cut-in-half bathtub?
Brian: (as Robbie) You should go talk to her and see if she can talk.
(as Joseph) So I went to see that new Oedipus play last week. Took my mother. Talk about an awkward ride home. Barely got a goodnight kiss.
Chris: A guy's name was Robbie back then?
Peter: The Bible's fuzzy on that.
Peter: It's the greatest story ever told, Meg. A story that goes back over 100 years.
Chris: Yay, Star Wars!
Peter: No, Chris. It's the story of Christmas and the Immaculate Conception. You guys were born the dirty way. Now gather around, everybody, and hear the awe-inspiring tale that's caused millions and millions of deaths!
Peter: Okay, Dick Wolf. Make the same Law and Order six times. Oh, and also, could you marry Matt Weiner? Because I want your name to be Dick Weiner.
Dick Wolf: Okay, but can I go by Dick Wolf Weiner?
Peter: Oh my god, yes.
Peter: JJ Abrams, you take wonder and complexity and present it in a way that no one can possibly understand.
JJ Abrams: I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a koala bear in an Eastern European town.
Peter: Totally confusing. Do it.
Peter: I'm the guy who ruined television, and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it!
Homer Simpson: Guys, I broke television! And now you have to help me fix it!
Peter: Haha, this looks like this is one we beat you to!