Phil: It's time, somebody warm some towels!
Claire: Every time I crack an egg, really?

It's like being on a submarine, right?

Congrats! I'm gonna roll away before you spit on my screen again!

Claire: We were called into Principal Brown's office one week before Alex's graduation.
Phil: That can only mean one of two things. Either she's going to be valedictorian, or they're giving an award for sexiest dad.

When it comes to wine, this woman doesn't see color. She'll drink anything you put in front of her.

If God wants a hamburger, this is what she cooks it on!

You know what a human pyramid is without hours of training? Ten obituaries!

[Singing] You are not the man you used to be. You get up four times at night to pee. Ba da dum da dum tat ta ta ta. You're super duper old now.

Phil: Then today it's, "everything I can do you can do better."
Luke: No, I can't.
Phil: Yes, you can.

Wait, does that mean you also didn't like my bagpiping? Is that why we have Luke?

If you can't beat em, drone em!

Claire: Phil, honey, when I’m not home I need you to be present and keep track of everyone.
Phil: Sounds good. Love you too.

Modern Family Quotes

Am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I ever act on it? No, no way. Not while my wife is still alive

Phil [about Desiree]

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.