Phil Mymen Quotes
Have you ever noticed how much of men's lives are spent trying to trick women into touching something?
Lem: Ted, we need your help.
Phil: We were working really hard in the lab...
Lem: And we had this pinata...
Ted: Pinata? That doesn't sound like really hard work.
Phil: It was stuffed with science.
Lem: The mat and the vest are both magnetized. When a child puts on the vest and steps on the mat, the magnets repel each other, making the child almost weightless, like an astronaut bouncing on the moon.
Phil: Now every child can have hours of repulsive fun.
Ted: Pete Gilroy's team is working on a similar system, and the company's only going to go for one. So, we need to make damned sure that it is... "The Floater." Yeah, that's not such a good name.
Lem: What about "The Astro-Nut?" You know, because it's crazy. (waves hands)
Veronica: Has waving your hands ever sold me on anything? (waves hands) Remember "Corpse-Eating Battlefield Robot?"
Phil: Your eyes look like two beady rabbit pellets on the face of a monkey-licking pus-bomb.
Lem: You've just been Phil-abusted.
Phil: Nice!
Lem: That's it--fill up your canker-blossomed hole, you ale-soused apple-john. That was the Elizabethan model.
Phil: Ye have been served.
Phil: Give a man an insult, he can hurt people for a day. Teach a man to insult, he can hurt people who tease him because he never learned to fish. Anyway, I've devised a formula.
Lem: Look at that. You had a problem in your life and who stepped up to help you? Math. She has always been there for you, hasn't she, Phil?
Phil: If she ever took physical form, I'd leave my wife and marry her.
Lem: Stand in line, my friend.
Phil: Anyway, it's really quite simple. You take a person's most marked physical feature, compare it to genitalia--male, female, or animal--and end with the suffix "-bag," "-wipe", or "-muncher."
Lem: You could also add an optional reference to excretion from any of the glorious openings offered by the human body.
Debbie: Could you press 10 for me, you rat-face Nazi?
Phil: Your breasts should be on display at the Swiss Museum of Miniatures. You said 10, right?
Phil: I'm terrible at insults. As a child, I was beaten up constantly. The best comeback I ever came up with was, "You're right. I'll work on that."
Lem: I can help you, you sad jar of hobo urine.
Phil: Pow! I've been Lem-basted.
Phil: We really should have been reading these memos.
Lem: Damn! We didn't have to work on Thanksgiving!
Phil: And look! Like I suspected, we were supposed to be wearing lead aprons when we were working on that genital x-ray project.
Veronica: Here, you do it.
Phil: Me?
Veronica: No, the microphone-attaching elf who lives in my drawer.
Phil: Talking about drawer elves isn't going to make this any less scary.
Phil: You know what might brighten your day? A peek at the smallest squirrel science can make.
Lem: But we're going to have to ask you to wear a face mask. He's crazy easy to inhale.
Lem: Together we're a thing of beauty, like a swan.
Phil: But on my own, I'll be like half a swan. All I'll do is make a big mess and die.
Veronica: Sorry. From now on when you present ideas to me, only one of you is allowed to talk.
Lem: But that's not how we work.
Veronica: Exactly. That's now how we work.
Lem: Not.
Veronica: Now.
Lem: Not.
Veronica: Now. Now, now, now, now, now, now, now.
Lem: Not?
Veronica: Now, now, now, now, now, now, now.
Phil: We should go.
