Dean: I'm here to kick off the first day of a new tradition at our school called Green Week
Pierce: What? First we get a month of black history, now we're blowing seven days on the Irish.

While you're under so deep, you'll find yourself attracted to... slightly older men. Perhaps some barrel-chested stud with just enough tummy to love. You want to buy him dinner then go back to his hot tub. Perhaps you'll invite one of your friends to join us for a three-way. Maybe someone with low self-esteem and slightly larger breasts.

Pierce [to Britta]: Have you thought about hypnotherapy? I know a great hypno therapist
Jeff [to Britta]: Ten to one says it's him

Pierce: Before AIDS, sex was like shaking hands.
Abed: Hence AIDS

Jeff: In the last two months you've doubled the national average for the amount lived per life time
Pierce: Well I do have a young African American friend
Jeff: But more importantly you're dressed like a gladiator in a desk fort you built during a bad trip

Shirley: My husband's been gone for six months, I think it's time I start embracing being single
Pierce: Message received

Dean Pelton: Well look at this group having some of meeting and being so diverse. There is just, boy! There is just one of every kind of you, isn't there?
Pierce: Well, we are missing a pipsqueak, but we don't want one, so beat it!
Britta: Ah, Pierce, that's the dean

I failed Annie. I'm no more of a song writer than you or Billy Joel

You do this thing with your face when you're trying to be funny that forces people to think about how cool you are. It's very distracting

Pierce: Let's have one drink before we work ... to the empowerment of words
Jeff: To the irony of that sentence

Pierce: I can't have children. I'm not sterile. In fact, it's a rare condition they call it hyper virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg if you can believe it
Jeff: I can't, but you can, so that's fine

Pierce: Why don't we go get a beer? I'll give you some advice and we can have what the kids are calling a sausage fest
Jeff: I'm not much of a sausage guy, maybe next time, Pierce

Community Quotes

Why name your daughter Megan? Are you stocking up for a bitch shortage?


Jeff: You started having sex with Britta's ex-boyfriend!
Annie: What? We haven't even kissed.
Pierce: That doesn't mean you're not having sex.