Ray: It's a Subaru - fully automatic.
George: What's a Subaru?

(making zapping noises at an ice block) I'm zapping it like Ice Man in X-Men...from the Marvel Series.

Jonathan: I'm really hung over from that vodka.
Ray: Well, you gotta write something. I did my best work hung over. I have less brain cells to confuse the issue.

Jonathan: Leah has kids, and you guys have been together for a while.
Ray: Yeah, but that is terrible. Those kids pay me no respect. They call me fat... and hairy. You know, they could lose a few pounds themselves.

Leah: Her name's Allison. She's a radical vegan.
Lisa: I know a lot of radical vegans. She must be really lonely.

Jonathan: Where's Ray?
Leah: He's in the bathroom masturbating.
Jonathan: What?
Ray: I'm almost done. Just three more tugs.

Leah: I'm proud of you for going to therapy. (kisses Ray who doesn't kiss back)
Ray: I'm sorry, I can't tonight. That guy eviscerated me. My penis is totally recessed.
Leah: What?!
Ray: When I was a little kid, I used to like to push my penis in to make it look like it disappeared. Today, it happened all by itself.

Ray: Okay. I'll trade you therapy for sex. It's been almost three weeks.
Leah: I think it's sweet you know how long it's been. (goes to Ray and hugs him)

Leah: I don't feel good about this. I don't want you to be a sperm donor.
Ray: But it's flattering. They're fans of my work. I've never had lesbian fans before.
Leah: They should go to a sperm bank. You can't just give your sperm to two girls you met in a cafe.
Ray: I met you in a cafe.

Yousef: (looking at Jonathan's black eye then to Ray) Lovers quarrel?
Jonathan: Ummm...more or less.

(to Ray before his colonic) Don't be scared. It will a good experience for you, I promise. I am going to find all your treasures.

Yousef

When I'm with her, I'm going to eat vegan, but when I'm not with her, I'm going to eat like an American.

Bored to Death Quotes

Men face reality. Women don't. That why men need to drink.

George

I've always been intrigued by Stockholm Syndrome. Make me think of my childhood.

Jonathon