The Big Bang Theory
Thursdays 8:00 PM on CBSSheldon Cooper Quotes
Stuart: What's wrong with Christmas?
Sheldon: Where to begin? Trees indoors, overuse of the words "tis" and "twas," and the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone notice socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?
Howard: A pirate with a peg leg.
Sheldon: Actually, that helps. Thank you.
Amy: By rolling dice and playing make believe with little figurines?
Sheldon: Like a bunch of savages.
Sheldon: Is anyone else troubled by the Spider-Man theme song?
Leonard: Why would it trouble you? It's like your third favorite cartoon theme song.
Sheldon: It is, right behind [Sheldon sings "Inspector Gadget" and "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" theme songs]
Sheldon: However, the Spider-Man lyrics posit that Spider-Man's Spider-Man does whatever a spider can.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: I can think of many things that Spider-Man can't do that a spider can. One crawl in your ear and die, two legally leave Guatemala without a passport, and three have sex with a spider.
Amy: Oh my.
Sheldon: Excuse me, you aren't supposed to be enjoying this.
Amy: Then maybe you should spank me harder.
Sheldon: Maybe I will.
Amy: Are you saying you want to spank me?
Sheldon: I don't want to. But, it looks like you have left me no choice.
Amy: That's true. I've been a very bad girl.
Sheldon: Amy, would you be strong enough to bath yourself? Or, do you need my help?
Amy: I'll tell him tomorrow. Mama needs a bath.
No. I need to get you down for a nap. For some reason that Vaporub gets you all fired up.
Sheldon: How can you sleep? I'm not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you, and apply Vaporub to your chest.
Amy: You want you rub something on my chest.
Sheldon: Yes, all over it.
Amy: Maybe we should start with that.
Sheldon: Now you're being a responsible patient.
Sheldon: Now, you may notice some tingling.
Amy: Oh, I'm counting on it.
Amy: Sheldon, aren't you gonna take care of me?
Sheldon: Me? No. I'm not that kind of doctor.
... I can personally guarantee it has spent less than 20 minutes on an astronaut's penis.
Sheldon: Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.
Cleaner: Tuesday okay?
Sheldon: This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle.
Cleaner: A what?
Sheldon: A naked man sat on it.
