South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralStan Marsh Quotes
Cartman: Hey, you guys. I know a scary story.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman. You can't scare anybody.
Cartman: Oh, yeah? Have you guys ever heard of (slyly) Scuzzlebutt?
Stan: What-butt?
Cartman: Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up this very mountain and kills anybody who dares climb at the top.
Stan: Why?
Cartman: Because it loves the taste of blood and likes to add pieces to its deformed body.
Kyle: Deformed like how?
Cartman: Well... On his left arm, instead of a hand, he has...
Stan: A hook?
Kyle: A knife!
Cartman: No. A piece of celery...
Stan: Celery??
Cartman: Yes. And he walks with a limp, because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but...Patrick Duffy.
Kyle: Patrick Duffy?! Damn it, Cartman! That's not scary!
Cartman: What do you mean? Haven't you ever seen "Step by Step"?? (continues) Anyway, he lives alone on his mountain and weaves baskets and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights, you can hear him weaving his baskets... (imitates weaving sounds)
Stan: Cartman, you suck at telling scary stories!
Kyle: Yeah! Give me that flashlight!
Stan: That's impossible! Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart!
Cartman: Yeah, I do! Pop-Tarts are frosted!
Stan: What's that stuff?
Cartman: Weight Gain 4000, it's helping me bulk up.
Kyle: Bulk up to what? Fat ass?
Stan: Super fat ass?
Cartman: I'm gonna be on television. I'm gonna be on television.
Stan: We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy.
Cartman: Oh, stop defending your girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish.
Stan: Dude, dolphins aren't stupid. They're intelligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.
Stan: Go ahead, Kyle; ask them for your baby brother back.
Kyle: Visitors... This morning you took my little brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away, but I've learned something today... That having a little brother is a pretty special thing.
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors... I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again...
Stan: That was beautiful, dude.
Kyle: Did it work?
Stan: No, they're leaving.
Kyle: Hey, you scrawny-ass ********! What the **** is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of ******* ******* to be able to ignore a crying child!
Stan: Whoa, dude!
Kyle: You know what you ******* like?! You like to **** and **** and **** and **** and **** and ****!
Stan: Hey, Wendy. What's a ****?
Kyle: ...my dad will start yelling, "Where's your brother, Kyle?! You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle!"
Stan: Calm down, dude.
Kyle: "You know he can't think on his own, Kyle! Brush and floss, Kyle! WHERE HAS THAT FINGER BEEN, KYLE?!"
Stan: Dude!
Stan: Holy crap! Wendy wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school today.
Kyle: Wow. Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny: (muffled) Maybe you can touch her pussy.
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
Stan: Oh, hey, Cartman.
Cartman: You guys, I just had the strangest dream...
Kyle: Really? What about?
Cartman: Well, I dreamed I was standing out in a field, and there was this huge satellite dish stickin' out of my butt. And there were hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship, and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
Stan: That wasn't a dream, Cartman; that really happened!
Cartman: Oh, right. Why don't I have pinkeye, then?
Kyle: Cartman, you DO have pinkeye!
Cartman: Ah! Son of a bitch!
Kyle: No, Ike. You can't come to school with me!
Cartman: Yeah. Go home, you little dildo.
Kyle: What?! Dude! Don't call my little brother a dildo!
Stan: What's a dildo?
Kyle: I don't know... But I'll bet Cartman doesn't know what it means!
Cartman: I do TOO know what it means!
Kyle: Okay, then... What?
Cartman: I'm not telling you...
Stan: Now, do you believe us, Cartman?
Cartman: You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up.
Stan: Cartman, there's an 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass!
Cartman: Sure, you guys, whatever.
Stan: Whoa, Cartman! You look like you didn't get enough sleep.
Cartman: I know. That's because I was having these bogus nightmares.
Kyle: Really? What about?
Cartman: Well, I dreamed that I was lying in my bed in the dark. When all of a sudden, this bright blue light fills the room. Then slowly, my bedroom door begins to open. And the next thing I remember, I was being dragged through a hallway. Then I was lying on a table and these scary hands wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black eyes...
Stan: Dude! Visitors!
Kyle: Totally!
Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat bitch won't let us!
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?
Stan: I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do...
