Archer
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on FXSterling Archer Quotes
(Cyril wonders why Lana hasn't called him yet)
Archer: (serious) Worse case scenario: Her covers been blown and Skorpio is now rapeing her sensless (everyone gasps horrified) before chopping her mangled corpse into Fish Chum.
Cyril: (hyperventilating) Oh my god!!
Carol: (appalled) How could you say that!?
Pam: What is wrong with you!!?
Dr. Creiger: (confused) He did say corpse right?
Archer: (defensive) What!? I said "worse case"
Sterling: (Looking into Lana's eyes) No they're, oh my god they're green, like emeralds. How did I never see that? Lana, your eyes are amazing.
Lana: (Sighs, leans in to kiss) Archer.
Sterling: I mean, not compared to your tits but.
(Lana shoots Sterling in the foot)
Malory: So you do want the assignment?
Archer: What? Yeah I want it.
Malory: You really, really, really want it?
Archer: Yes I want it.
Malory: Well too bad, becuase guess what?
(Lana is standing in the doorway with her briefcase.)
Lana: (mocking) Ha-HA!
Archer: (outraged) What! Why does she get the mission!?
Malory: Because I said so, either way we have a plan to catch.
(Getting up to leave with Lana.)
Archer: WE!? Why are you going?
Malory: I'm...umm...uhhhh...(thinking of excuse) going to a conference?
Archer: (annoyed) Oh well isn't that convenient!?
Lana: If you think that's convenient, wait till you see my new kitchen.
Malory: HA! Seriously thou, you should look thru some of her design catalogue's.
Archer: Ha ha ha, Ramon.
Ramon: And just why is that so funny.
Archer: Not that. Woodhouse, he's all tied up somewhere. Scared and alone. Ha ha ha, probably dehydrated.
Archer: Do you not see me rocking this chiseled slab of hard man body? I mean come on. Are you gay or not?
Ramon: I am, but you... you are so not my type.
Archer: Hey! I am everybody's type!
Because how hard is it to poach a god damn egg properly? Seriously, that's like eggs 101 Woodhouse.
Archer: Woah woah woah, I thought nobody else was supposed to know about this.
Malory: He won't remember.
Krieger: Yeah, no... I'm... I am shitfaced.
Archer: You know, when I was little I used to pretend you weren't my mother.
Malory: Me too.
Woodhouse: I'm afraid the lemur got into the pudding cups.
Archer: Yeah, like I told you he would, you idiot.
Malory: Jesus, God, Sterling... School girls?!
Archer: Those are just costumes.
Malory: And I suppose that makes it better?
Archer: Doesn't it?
Malory: (to Sterling) Keep that tramp date of yours out of my Medicine-Cabnit! One more dead body in here and that Bitch Trudy Beekman will have me right back in front of the Co-op Board!
Sterling: (shakes head) You just can't get along with your neighbours anywhere can you?
Malory: Who can get along with a woman who wallpapers her guest bathroom with Vintage New Yorker covers?!
Malory: But they were blanks, weren't they?
Archer: Uhhh, only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards.
