Brian: What about the "writing angry letters and not sending them" exercise?
Peter: Aw geez, I wasn't supposed to send those?
Meg: Look, I got a letter from dad! Dear Meg, for the first four years of your life, I thought you were a housecat. Dad!
Stewie: Dear Stewie, get out. Oh, that's nice.
Lois: Mine just says Dear Lois, and after that it looks like someone just spit on the paper

Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hmm, the end result of a drunken back seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Lois: Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks and I'll use my razor sharp talons to rip your [over timer bleeps her out] eyes out. Cookies are done! Who wants chocolate chip?
Stewie: Oh! Oh! I do. But keep talking. All this talk about eye gouging has gotten me all frisky. Seriously, I've got about a half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper

Eliza: Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter.
Stewie: I was curious!

Stewie: What are the stakes of this wager?
Brian: Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Excellent and if I win?
Brian: I wasn't betting, why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: You're on!

I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darnest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!

Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk

Look at me, having sex with a pig! I've become my father!

Dan Aykroyd: If these signatures are correct, Mayor West is located just a third of a kilometer that way just over this rise
Stewie: That's what you said a third of a kilometer ago
Dan Aykroyd: Perhaps you'd like to do something besides criticizing me and quoting my movies
Stewie: You just watch your mouth mister

Stewie: Wow, those are the russian people? I mean granted you do think of bears on unicycles when you think of the russian people, but they're all bears on unicycles?
Dan Aykroyd: Bears on unicycles, every single on of them
Chevy Chase: So what do we do now?
Dan Aykroyd: We're undercover US agents in a hostile foreign environment, we just gotta make sure we don't do anything that makes us stick out
Guard: Hey, they're not bears on unicycles! You're under arrest!

Dan Aykroyd: Now you two individuals live here...are there any local residents whom you've seen acting strangely?
Stewie: Well, there's a pedophile up the street that nobody seems to be doing anything about, but it's mainly because he's so funny

Family Guy Quotes

Death Star Officer 1: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Stewie (Darth Vader): That is fantastic! Terrific work! So no weaknesses at all, huh?
Death Star Officer 1: N- (considers) no.
Stewie (Darth Vader): You, uh, you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?
Death Star Officer 1: No, it's virtually indestructable, like 99.99 percent.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Uh...OK, wouldn't be doin' my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, I- I mean, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, uh, the station blows up.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds like a pretty big design flaw there.
Death Star Officer 1: No, no, no the hole's only two meters across.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
Death Star Officer 1: Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's not a big deal.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Well, I mean, I mean, can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, that would look terrible! I mean, we got to think about re-sale.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Re-sale? Wh-what are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset, the value's only gonna go up.
Death Star Officer 1: Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale, nor has it-
(Vader begins choking him with the Force)
Stewie (Darth Vader): I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown!
Death Star Officer 1: (choking) There's nothing to do downtown!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Enough of this! Vader, release him.
Stewie (Darth Vader): As you wish. (releases the officer, who collapses on the table, gasping for air) All right, so we gonna plug up that hole?
Death Star Officer 2: Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Eyuuuuh...
Death Star Officer 2: We'll get estimates.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Yeah, get estimates, yeah ha, yeah, yeah ha ha, yeah.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)