Dan Aykroyd: The activation phrase was something no one would ever think to mutter
Stewie: What is it?
Dan Aykroyd: The phrase is "gosh that itlain family at the next table sure is quiet"

Doctor: Hum, 29 pounds, that's big for your age.
Stewie: Well forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials

I say, Rupert, this paste is delicious. It's almost worth the bowel obstruction!

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells

College Girl: Are you in a fraternity little boy?
Stewie: Not yet but I'm thinking about joining I Felta Thi

Susan Sarandon: Hi, I'm Susan Sarandon. A lot of you know me as Tim Robbins' mother, but I'm actually his girlfriend. And this is Stewie. Stewie: What the deuce?
Susan Sarandon: For less then a ticket price for one of my movies about capital punishment or neo-feminism, you can make sure Stewie never goes hungry again.
Stewie: Yes, and from the look of those sweater cows, so could you

Lois: Jump in, sweetie! The turtle will protect you!
Stewie: I'm supposed to entrust my life to a turtle?! Nature's "D" student?

I don't suppose you have any valium on you? Of course not, you're leading the straight life now

Brian: Well, well, looks like you're in love.
Stewie: Ha! That's so funny I forgot to laugh...excluding that first "ha!"
Brian: Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.
Stewie: Aha! Her eyes are green!
Brian: Aha! Thanks for proving my point.
Stewie: Damn!

Stewie: You remember that episode of the Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life and Greg became his slave?
Brian: Yeah.
Stewie: Good. It's on tonight. Tape it for me, and put a nice label on it

Stewie: Go on, hot wire it!
Brian: Hot wire? I don't even pump my own gas.

Brian [at mom's funeral]: Say something.
Stewie: What?
Brian: Just say something please.
Stewie: For god's sake. Um... "Yea, and God said on to Abraham, 'You will kill your son Isaac'. And Abraham said, 'I can't hear you, You'll have to speak into the microphone.' And God said, 'Oh, I'm sorry. Is this better? Check, Check, Check. Jerry pull the high end out I'm, getting some hiss back here.'"
Brian: Say something about my mother!
Stewie: Oh yes, I'm sorry. I never knew Biscuit as a Dog, but I did know her as a table. She was sturdy, all four legs the same length...
Brian: Thanks. That's enough.
Stewie: Yes. Requiem in Terra Pax, and so forth. Amen

Family Guy Quotes

Death Star Officer 1: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Stewie (Darth Vader): That is fantastic! Terrific work! So no weaknesses at all, huh?
Death Star Officer 1: N- (considers) no.
Stewie (Darth Vader): You, uh, you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?
Death Star Officer 1: No, it's virtually indestructable, like 99.99 percent.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Uh...OK, wouldn't be doin' my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, I- I mean, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, uh, the station blows up.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds like a pretty big design flaw there.
Death Star Officer 1: No, no, no the hole's only two meters across.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
Death Star Officer 1: Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's not a big deal.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Well, I mean, I mean, can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, that would look terrible! I mean, we got to think about re-sale.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Re-sale? Wh-what are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset, the value's only gonna go up.
Death Star Officer 1: Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale, nor has it-
(Vader begins choking him with the Force)
Stewie (Darth Vader): I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown!
Death Star Officer 1: (choking) There's nothing to do downtown!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Enough of this! Vader, release him.
Stewie (Darth Vader): As you wish. (releases the officer, who collapses on the table, gasping for air) All right, so we gonna plug up that hole?
Death Star Officer 2: Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Eyuuuuh...
Death Star Officer 2: We'll get estimates.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Yeah, get estimates, yeah ha, yeah, yeah ha ha, yeah.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)