Believe me, dear, when the topic of discussion is money, drinking always helps

Tabitha: Now I have to reconfigure all my maths. Dixon, if I want to be... 54, how old do I have to say I was when I had your father now that he has a 25-year-old son he conceived when he was 18?
Dixon: Eleven.
Tabitha: Hum... that's a little unseemly.

Are you one of those patriotic Americans I hear so much about?

Debbie: Eat a pig in a blanket.
Tabitha: What does she mean by that? Is that some sort of Kansas-style vulgarity?

Tabitha: Tou could take on Tracy. When it comes to class, brains, and beauty, my dear, she's no match for you
Debbie: Tabitha, I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me
Tabitha: That's okay, I won't remember it in the morning

I didn't know Kansas women didn't have cajones

I like to swim naked. I like how the water feels when it glides off my ass.

Tabitha: Harry, it's my pool and I'm gonna do what I want when I want.
Harry: Did I miss a segue here?

You've gotta sing like your privates are on fire!

When the theater is in pain, I come to mend the wound.

I need to finish my memoirs before my friend Virgnia does. We've slept with all the same people.

Tabitha: My damn computer froze up again.
Harry: What did you spill on it this time, Mom?
Tabitha: Scotch. I mean... iced tea.


Suck it Jen! I am rich.


You would make an excellent Egyptian slave boy. I'd send for you in my chamber.