Ted Crisp Quotes
And, Phil, they canceled your gym membership because no matter what class you were in, you did jazzercise.
Lem: Ted, we need your help.
Phil: We were working really hard in the lab...
Lem: And we had this pinata...
Ted: Pinata? That doesn't sound like really hard work.
Phil: It was stuffed with science.
Lem: The mat and the vest are both magnetized. When a child puts on the vest and steps on the mat, the magnets repel each other, making the child almost weightless, like an astronaut bouncing on the moon.
Phil: Now every child can have hours of repulsive fun.
Ted: Pete Gilroy's team is working on a similar system, and the company's only going to go for one. So, we need to make damned sure that it is... "The Floater." Yeah, that's not such a good name.
Lem: What about "The Astro-Nut?" You know, because it's crazy. (waves hands)
Veronica: Has waving your hands ever sold me on anything? (waves hands) Remember "Corpse-Eating Battlefield Robot?"
Pete: Hey, Ted. Strengthening your hand for that big date with yourself?
Ted: Nope, just practicing for later when I squeeze your mom's boobs. I'm not proud of that. I actually had a lovely conversation with Pete's mom at the Christmas party.
Janet: Well, if we call it a groundswell, I think the company would go for it. That way it gets to pat itself on the back for listening and being a great communicationer.
Ted: You mean "communicator."
Janet: That's not what it says in the handbook.
Ted: Now I've got to go find Phil and Lem and straighten out the MRE disaster.
Veronica: Don't boo-hoo me. Did that MRE touch your boobies, Ted? Then shut the hell up.
Linda: So not being controlling lasted for about one second?
Ted: I'm sorry. The naggity-nag-nag bitchy-bitch is right. Anything anyone wants to say is fine with me.
Linda: You heard the corporate chimp. Start making suggestions for meals-ready-to-eat before his head goes back up his butt.
Veronica: So I let him kiss me.
Linda: Oh, my God!
Veronica: But then I still felt guilty, so I let him feel me up.
Linda: Oh, my...
Veronica: I think I might need new breasts. These are covered in sadness.
Ted: Wow. This is like the most depressing Penthouse letter ever.
Janet: The company doesn't make mistakes.
Ted: What about that memo announcing "Casual Fribsday"?
Janet: The company said that wasn't a mistake. They explained that the ancient Mayans prophesied Fribsday--the first ever eighth day of the week which will occur in 2024. Which the company believes should be celebrated casually. I'm going to wear a denim pantsuit.
Ted: And when they urged all employees to "carpoop"?
Janet: That wasn't mandatory. Thank God.
Ted: Although we did find out what people would do to park slightly closer to the building.
Ted: "Employees must now use offensive or insulting language in the workplace." This has to be a mistake. Why would the company want us to swear at each other?
Veronica: Well, maybe they're trying to make the people at work seem more like a real family, Butt-Munch. Yeah this is going to be good.
Linda: Like everything the company does to us, it's gotta be about money. Maybe when someone's called a "lazy sack of crap," they work harder so they can just be a "sack of crap."
Ted: Oh, this is gonna be a problem. People here follow memos. Especially since that memo came out saying people have to follow memos.
Ryan: You think I talk too much?
Ted: Well, I don't know about generally, but to me, oh, my God, yes.
I don't want to insult the guy. If only there were a nice way to say, "You're killing me, you energy-sucking time gobbler."
