Tobias Funke Quotes
Well excuse me for liking the way they shape my junk.
</i> Tobias
Carl Weathers: I'm gonna go get a new soda. Hey, you know that you can get a refill on any drink you want here, and it's free? (laughs)
Tobias: (laughs) It's a wonderful restaurant. Mmm!
Narrator: It sure is.
Tobias: What are you doing up here?
George, Sr.: I'm having a f**king tea party, what does it look like I'm doing?
(He shoves Tobias up against the wall with his hand against his mouth)
George, Sr.: I'm living up here and if you tell anyone about this, I will f**king kill you. Ah, stop licking my hand, you horse's ass.
(In response to Lucille's refusal to believe Buster was going to war)
Tobias: You know, Mother Lucille, there's a psychological concept known as denial that I think you're evincing. It's when a thought is so hateful that the mind literally rejects it.
Lucille: You are a worse psychiatrist than you are a son-in-law, and you will never get work as an actor because you have no talent.
Tobias: Well, if she's not going to say anything, I certainly can't help her.
Tobias: Oh, a pregnancy test. There's something we never had, huh, Lindsay? No, we had to create our little Frankenstein monster out of science, and money, and just a dash of... (Notices Maeby has entered) Maeby... would... how... how long have you been standing there?
Maeby: I just walked in.
Tobias: Just walked in! (chuckles) Seems like only yesterday you were bursting forth from your mother's fertile womb!
Lindsay: That's the first time we're in the shower since our honeymoon.
Tobias: And this time no tears!
I had no idea a ninety year-old man could cave in my chest cavity like that.
Narrator: Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own words to see what Michael was referring to.
Tobias: (on tape) Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.
Tobias: Nothing wrong with that.
Tobias: (on tape) Oh, I've been in the film business for a while, but I just can't seem to get one in the can.
Tobias: It's out of context.
Tobias: (on tape) I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks, so to speak.
Narrator: And he realizes there is something distinct about the way he speaks.
Tobias: Tobias, you blowhard! (Chuckles)
Michael: (about the basket) Why don't you take this? I don't have anyone to go with anyway.
Tobias: Can you imagine how jealous that would make her? "Where's Tobias?!" "Oh, he's just sharing a romantic horseback ride with Michael Bluth and they're dipping each other in..." Oh, you didn't get anybody chocolate ...
Michael: I didn't mean with me. I hate to see you struggle like this. In fact, why don't you let me ask her for you?
Tobias: Well, Michael, you really are quite the cupid, aren't you? I tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks anytime.
Michael: Okay. You know what you do? Buy yourself a tape recorder. Record yourself for a whole day. I think you're gonna be surprised at some of your phrasing.
Tobias: (gasps) Butterscotch! Want a lick?
Tobias: I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will. So now I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
Michael: There's just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.
Tobias: Wait, wait, wait. Lindsay's here? With two men?
Buster: Hmmm, sort of one and a half.
Tobias: Do you have any idea how often you say the word 'afraid'?
Michael: Well, I know I used it in the jacuzzi.
Tobias: And I apologize for that; I thought it was a pool toy.
