I have six roommates, which are better than friends because they have to give you one month's notice before they leave.

You never stop surprising me.

Not everybody has what we have.

I would start at the beginning, but I think I need to go farther back.

Smile if you love men's prostates.

You know what would be the hottest thing ever? A pregnant Helen Mirren.

Every Halloween I tell him the same thing; you can't bring weapons into the office, and every year he says the same thing; as soon as I get my weapons back I'm gonna kill you.

Toby: Why would you need relocation if you already live in Scranton?
Ray Romano: Well I'd wanna move further away, ya know. Don't want any chance to run into my co-workers outside the office.

Toby: Let's just say I'll be up to my neck in jury duty.
Michael: That was the worst joke ever.

Toby: I just wanted to let you know that I'll be taking a leave of absence starting next week.
Michael: Oh because you've been on the lam? Because the boring police have been after you? And they finally caught up with you?

Why you always gotta be so mean to me?

Sunday church service, it's been a few years. The Big Guy and I...we've got some catching up to do.

The Office Quotes

Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.

Michael

When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was Puke. I would chug a fifth of SoCo, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, puke, rally, more SoCo, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I had let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight Bs. They called me Buzz.

Andy