Veronica: Chu, chu, chu, chu.
Ted: What are you doing?
Veronica: That's the sound of me deflecting the whiny bitching with my happiness shield.

Veronica: Great news! You both have a disease.
Ted: You would be a terrible doctor.

Veronica: Sheila claims you propositioned her for a threesome.
Ted: Veronica, I work full-time and I have a eight-year-old daughter. I don't even have the energy for a onesome.

Veronica: We've having a problem with some of those people who live in the cubicles.
Ted: Look, they don't live in the... You know what? I'm not going to explain this to you again.

Ted: What do you need, Veronica?
Veronica: We have a problem. It's about sexual... (looks at Rose) It's about sexual H-A-R-assment.
Ted: Ummm, well, I appreciate you not letting my daughter here the "har" part of that. But why don't we discuss it later?
Rose: By the way, I'm eight. I know how to spell.
Veronica: Never show your hand, sweetie. Always let the enemy underestimate you. Then when their guard's down, smash them with a phone.

Veronica [to Rose]: Muss up his hair, it's the source of all his power.
Ted: Oh, no! Not the hair!
Veronica: Now smash him with the phone. (they stare) Why will no one in this building ever smash anyone with a phone?

My God, Ted, you don't tell a man like Mordor to be less passionate. It's like telling Gandhi to be less... whatever he was. Thin.

Of course it was an accident. Although, the man was cheating on me, and my subconscious is very protective, and sometimes kind of a douche.

God, you people are paranoid. No wonder the company has to secretly manipulate you.

I know I've been distracted lately, but I'll be fine. I'm just living an exciting and full life--burning the candle at both ends. The way my great-grandfather, a misunderstood candlemaker, insisted candles should be burned.

This weekend, Mordor and I am going scuba diving. Last weekend we raced cars in the desert and ate a rattlesnake... and a goat that wandered into our camp, and then a light salad.

Now get in there and run that meeting like a shark driving an assault vehicle through a herd of seals wearing chum pants.

Better Off Ted Quotes

Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things


Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie