Veronica Palmer Quotes
Ted: The thing is, I want to keep seeing Danielle. I really like her.
Veronica: What's not to like? She gullible and slept with you on the first date. If her mom's not fat, I say throw a ring on it.
You should always limit what you say during sex to moaning and helpful tips.
Veronica: Oh, as long as I'm here, what's going on with the edible moss project?
Lem: Well, we hit a little setback, and now I'm peeing.
Veronica: Please. I'm not interested in all the little details of your life.
Veronica: While right now I'm neither interested in raising a child, nor in playing landlord for nine months to a parasitic organism, I just want to keep my options open.
Lem: You want to have my baby?
Veronica: Well, using your DNA would only be my Plan E. Behind fall in love and breed, clone, take one of my sister's kids, or rip out the whole works and sail around the world.
Lem: Well, you would look good on the deck of the right ship. Tanned, wind in your hair, no ovaries.
Lem: You wanted to see me?
Veronica: Yes. Lem, I want to talk to you about your sperm.
Lem: I'm sorry. It got out of its containment vessel and it's extremely aggressive. Wait, did you say my sperm?
Ted: So to save money, the company is getting involved in people's sex lives? They may regret that, like when they tried to replace food in the cafeteria with food pellets.
Veronica: Unlike eating those pellets, this is not a mandate. Anything that starts with the word "whee" is just a fun suggestion. Like the Constitution and "Whee the People."
Veronica: What is this, Dutch blend? I hate Dutch blend. And the Dutch, too. Those people are lunatics, with their wooden shoes and their fatty sausage.
Linda: What about your father?
Veronica: I don't know how he feels about the Dutch. You'll have to ask him
Veronica: So obviously that whale thing is a winner, or you wouldn't be telling me it's a loser.
Elijah: Unless it's really a loser, and I'm pretending it's a loser to make you think it's a winner.
Veronica: Or I'm pretending to think it's a winner, when I actually know it's a loser because you said it's a loser to make me think it's a winner.
Elijah: And so... the student becomes the master.
Veronica: Or the student has always been the master, and just wanted the master to think the master was the master when he was actually just the student.
Elijah: These conversations are why your mother left us.
Veronica: That, and the fact you porked my way through my sorority
Veronica: Ooh, flowers.
Ted: Look at you, having a girlie moment.
Veronica: Crap on a cracker!
Ted: And she's back.
Ted, you don't have to go through all this. Just say the word and the election's her's. We did for Iceland and we can do it for your kid
Ted: Veronica, quick question.
Veronica: What is it with everyone and their questions this morning? Where'd you learn to drive? Will you marry me? Why'd you say that to my baby?
Veronica: I confiscated this a few months ago from Dewey the security guard. He had dozens of employee sex tapes like that.
Ted: Dewey? Damn. That's the first person I've ever met named Dewey I thought was normal.
Veronica: The quest continues
