Zapp Brannigan Quotes
Leela: You know, this might actually work. The Omicronians seem to have trouble telling one person from another.
Zapp: True. At the negotiations, they thought Kif here was the statesman and I was a jabbering mental patient.
Leela: It figures. Who else but Zapp Brannigan would be judging the most chauvinistic, degrading, dehumanising-
Zapp: Huh? Leela?
Leela: Wait, you're making a- Ooh! Look at that. I feel like a princess!
Zapp: Wait. What are you people? Idiots? I'm still going mano a mano with this envelope. And the winner is: Miss Vega 4. There it is, Miss Universe. There it is, looking weird.
Leela: I almost had that tiara.
Bender: Me too.
Here's to us poor schmoes working for the man. Even if he is a hot, sexy, female man.
Zapp: So, this Leela. I know she's a very sensuous woman but what manner of captain is she?
Fry: She's really strict.
Bender: And mean.
Zapp: I see. Does she by any chance give the crewmembers spankings?
Fry: No, she just makes us do work and stuff.
Zapp: Good, good. But should she ever institute some sort of bare-bottom spanking policy, let me go in your place. I won't have my comrades harmed.
Bender: Hey, this guy's alright!
Farnsworth: Leela, who are you talking to?
Zapp: Just a broken-down hobo who's hit rock-bottom. And his commanding officer.
Farnsworth: Why, you're that disgraced starship captain. Having him on staff will distract people from our horrendous safety record. Come in.
Bender: What now, chief?
Zapp: Now we crash the ship into their headquarters, killing them in a hellish firestorm from which no living thing can escape.
Fry: Good, good, then what?
Zapp: Then your mission is complete. I, meanwhile, will have ejected to safety, wearing the only spacesuit on board.
Fry: Wait a second. Is this plan gonna kill us?
Zapp: Of course. What do you think I meant by "loyalty"?
Zapp: Now, in the name of all that is good and honourable, we'll call the Neutral President with a message of peace, then blast him.
Bender: Yes, sir, sirdy-sir-sir-sir!
Zapp: Fly the white flag of war.
Zapp: One day a man has everything, the next day he blows up a $400 billion space station and the next day he has nothing. It makes you think.
Kif: No, it doesn't.
Glab: Zapp Brannigan, you are hereby stripped of your rank as captain and dismissed from the DOOP.
Zapp: I'd like to make one final statement. Kif, c'mere and hold up the flag... And wave it a little, for God's sakes. My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault.
Kif: What?
Glab: Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged.
Zapp: Y'know, boys, a good captain needs many skills, such as boldness, daring and a velour uniform. And I'm not convinced Leela has any of those things.
Fry: Ah, Leela's not that bad. I just wish she didn't make us work so much.
Zapp: Back when I was captain all I asked from my men was their complete loyalty. If I had that, then for all I cared they could sit around the whole day drinking beer in their underpants.
Bender: Beer?
Fry: Underpants?
Zapp: This is Zapp Brannigan of the good ship... Planet Express Ship. I come swinging the olive branch of peace.
Neutral President's Aide: Should we trust him, Your Neutralness?
Neutral President: All I know is my gut says maybe.
Glab: Zapp Brannigan, you stand accused of blowing up DOOP headquarters. How do you plead?
Zapp: Absolutely 99% not guilty.
