Sharon: I'm sorry, Alan, I can't do this.
Alan: Sure you can. I mean, you are... and if you'll allow me to say so, you're pretty good at it.
Sharon: It's not you, it's me.
Alan: Yeah, right!
Sharon: What is that supposed to mean?
Alan: Sharon, I have been rejected by... thirty two different women in my life, and you know what? It's never been me.

Alan Harper
Two and a Half Men Season 5 Episode 2: "Media Room Slash Dungeon"
Two and a Half Men
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Two and a Half Men Season 5 Episode 2 Quotes

Alan: Well, I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.
Evelyn: So, now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
Alan: No, no, I really have a date. And the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Evelyn: Charlie, what about you?
Charlie: I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.

Alan: Charlie, I'm not gonna lie to some poor woman, just so you can dump her.
Charlie: I'm not dumping her. We've just grown apart.
Alan: Since you've picked her up at a bar last night?
Charlie: People change...