Alan: Oh, Judith, when did you start hating me so much?
Judith: Well, let's see: I disliked you when we were married, I resented you when we divorced, but I don't think I hated you until you started having sex with that gorgeous 22 year-old dumbbell.
Alan: OK, well, thanks for clearing that up

Alan Harper, Judith Harper
Two and a Half Men Season 4 Episode 4: "A Pot Smoking Monkey"
Two and a Half Men
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Two and a Half Men Season 4 Episode 4 Quotes

Jake: Hey, dad, how come you don't give me an allowance?
Alan: Because your mother gives you an allowance. [to Kandi] Look, I'm just trying to be fair here.
Jake: Speaking of fair, it doesn't seem fair that mom has to pay me and you don't.
Alan: Hang on, Kandi. [To Jake]: Let me explain something to you, every cent your mother has, comes from me. So when she gives you an allowance, it's really me giving you an allowance.
Jake: I don't need to know how it works, I just need more money

Charlie: Still early, want to go shoot some hoops?
Jake: Nah, I'm gonna go call Wendy Cho.
Charlie: Hey, bros before Chos!