CNBC gives me a headache. I get all my money advice from PBS.


Liz: I will spend half the day in twilight sleep and then I will go home to watch the Lifetime movie 'My Stepson Is My Cyber-Husband.'
Jack: That's inspired. You truly are the Picasso of loneliness.

[on stalking] That's a real problem in the celebrity community. But if Beyonce would just answer one of my letters, I'd stop trying to break into her house.


Liz: [on V-day plans] One word: oral ... two words: oral surgery.

[on his speed dial rankings] Blackberry Warren Buffett, iPhone Jimmy Buffett.


Happy Valentine's Day, no one!


I always knew it would end one day. I just always thought it would be me in the trunk of a rental car.


Dennis ... watching 'The Color Purple' drunk with you was one of my funnest nights ever.


Perhaps one day we'll live in a world where you ask us to pretend to be scientists.

Dot Com

Avery: I have a thing for commanding salt and pepper types. I don't know why. I think it started when I walked in on my parents the day Reagan was shot.
Jack: I wouldn't over-analyze that.

Hey Jack, whadya need? Arena rock anthem? Power ballad?

Jon Bon Jovi

There are some things that are actually harder to do with two people, like ... monologues.


30 Rock Season 4 Episode 13 Quotes

Your ghost is going to see some disgusting stuff.


Valentine's Day is a sham created by greeting card companies to reinforce gender stereotypes.