Archer: What is that smell?
Malory: Gravlax and failure. I think Lana just Broke Torvald's Hand.
Archer: Truckasaurus.

Archer: You said no dates!
Malory: I said no such thing.
Archer: Well, your mouth did.
Malory: Well, your mouth better get over there and make Torvald happy.
Archer: Um, phrasing.

Caterer: Gravlax?
Lana: Thanks, no. I'm allergic to cat piss.

Malory: Well, what about the ground breaking work that Dr. Krieger is doing for ISIS in our Applied Research Division?
Pam: Yeah, tell him about the sex robot.
Malory: Yes, the.. what?
Krieger: I call him Fister Roboto.

Lana: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Cyril: I find your mannish hands disturbing.
Pam: I find them kind of sexy.

Archer: Woodhouse! What are you doing?
Woodhouse: Uh, sitting down sir.
Archer: What, at the table? Like people?

Conway: I've tracked him to South Beach where he's arranged to sell the plans to Cuban Naval Intelligence. If that happens, undetectable Cuban missile subs can be parked right off Miami beach.
Malory: Ugh. Just what Miami needs, more Cubans.

I am drunk, or I wouldn't be talking to you.

Lana: A non-circumcised Jewish guy, that's not weird to you?
Archer: No. Why would... I mean, I'm not Jewish, and I am circumcised so it can happen the other-
Lana: It doesn't work like that.
Archer: Lana come on. I think we both know it works fine.
Lana: Aw, come on! Not your dick, dumb ass!

Archer: See that! He was putting on his pants and I stopped him. So you just watch your step Mr.... damn it.
Conway: Hey right there, what you should have gone with, was Sammy Gayvis Jr.

Archer: Oh my God! You killed a hooker!
Cyril: Call girl! She was a-
Archer: No Cyril, when they're dead they're just hookers!

Archer: Hey, wanna smell something?
Receptionist: Swear to god Mr. Archer, I have H. R. on speed dial.

Archer Quotes

Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.

Cheryl: Mopeds are fun but you don't want to let your buddies see you riding one.
Pam: I thought he meant I was fuel efficient. I had only had 10 ten beers.
Cheryl: 40s?
Pam: NO.... yes.