Cheryl: I want a drink!
Archer: Join this great new club!

• Permalink: Join this great new club!
• Added: April 12, 2017

Archer: Heiresses to fortunes like your family's don't fake their own deaths. They murder their parents and blame it on some poor Hispanic or Negro.
Cheryl: Yes, I thought about that, but I don't know any Hispanics or Negroes.
Archer: No, they make up the Hispanic or Negro.
Cheryl: I honestly wouldn't know where to begin.

• Permalink: They murder their parents and blame it on some poor Hispanic or Negro.
• Added: April 12, 2017

Archer: Putting aside why you'd want to fake your own death --
Cheryl: BECAUSE I have to get away from my family. They're a seething cauldron of neurotic, alcoholic, narcissistic, quasi-incestuous megalomaniacs!
Archer: (pause) How quasi?
Cheryl: I don't know, a 4?
Archer: Out of what?

• Permalink: How quasi?
• Added: April 12, 2017

Archer: For starters, even if you pull this off, what are you going to do for money.
Cheryl: Well I...I shall work, of course!
Archer: (scoffs) As what?
Cheryl: Um...One of those! A food perambulator.

• Permalink: Cheryl: Um...One of those! A food perambulator.
• Added: April 12, 2017

Cheryl: Oh my God, you have a crush on her!
Archer: What?! No I don't, I...
Cheryl: Yes you do! That was the cutest thing! And I think SHE has a crush on YOU.
Archer: No, she...wait, really?
Cheryl: Absolutely!
Archer: Why - why - why do you think that? Did she --
Cheryl: Just admit that you like her!
Archer: Well, yeah, of course I --
Cheryl: (yells to room) Hey! Yeah! Me and him, we just f*****d!!

• Permalink: Cheryl: Oh my God, you have a crush on her!
• Added: April 12, 2017

Archer: (grunts in pain)
Cheryl: (flashback as a nun) Shhhh-shhhh. Calmez vous. Vous mettez plus en danger.

• Permalink: Vous mettez plus en danger.
• Added: April 12, 2017