Mother: What is it with you people and reefer?
Lana: Do you mean musicians or negroes?
Mother: Pick one.

Ray: I failed my induction screening.
Verl: Well yeah.
Cliff: Obviously.
Floyd: You put the "F" in 4F!
Ray: You know...

Archer: I realize that a segregated service is just crazy, especially given what we were fighting for over there, but -
Cliff: Oh now you got a "but."
Archer: ...if you think about it, the most racist thing would be, if, whenever there was a war, we only sent negroes.
Floyd: WOW.
Verl: Words fail me.

Archer: Look, I know you cops have to check your weapons up front, and there's five of us and only one of you, so...
Pam: So who wants their ass beat first? And before you decide, keep in mind that I'm gradually goin' to get more tired, but also gradually more berserker.

Floyd: Are you crazy?
Verl: Are you trying to get yourself killed?
Archer [mockingly]: Oh my God, is diabetes contagious?!?

Being a negro must be so exciting.

Cheryl

Archer: Will you quit jamming my ass with that thing?
Ray: He said, coyly.

Archer: Are you shitting me?!?
Pam: Awwww, I wouldn't shit you, you're my favourite turd!

Hey, can I order some pie? Or have you single-handedly depleted the Global Strategic Pie Reserves?

Goddammit! I insist you let me share your marijuana cigarette!

Ray

Archer: (grunts in pain)
Cheryl: (flashback as a nun) Shhhh-shhhh. Calmez vous. Vous mettez plus en danger.

Archer: Heiresses to fortunes like your family's don't fake their own deaths. They murder their parents and blame it on some poor Hispanic or Negro.
Cheryl: Yes, I thought about that, but I don't know any Hispanics or Negroes.
Archer: No, they make up the Hispanic or Negro.
Cheryl: I honestly wouldn't know where to begin.

Archer Quotes

Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?