Malory: Hmmm. Bronze Star with two Oak Leaves and V Device, Legion of Merit, Croix de Guerre with Palm, Silver Star with two Oak Leaves, Distinguished Service Cross with one Oak Leaf and V Device, three Purple Hearts. It goes on, Mr. Archer.
Archer: Yeah, senior year I was voted "Class Flirt."
Malory: And yet you turned down a battlefield commission to 2nd Lieutenant.
Archer: Well, after "Class Flirt," I mean...

Malory: Normandy.
Archer: Yeah.
Malory: Omaha Beach by way of North Africa and Sicily. And after Normandy, through France and Belgium all the way to Berlin.
Archer: Well I had to get to Berlin, I sent all my clean shirts ahead.
Malory: Mmhmm. Speak any German?
Archer: You know, "Don't shoot," "I surrender," "Hitler's the tops," stuff like that.

Archer: Well, so, um, well, you're the, um singer here.
Lana: Wow, and you must be an old gypsy woman.
Archer: Close, I'm a private investigator. I'm doing some work for your boss.
Lana: And apparently doing it with a fresh new take on the word, "private."

Why would you want to work for these Ivy-League white-shoe DC pricks? That's not who we are! We're the outsiders, the scrappy underdogs! We're Delta House, the Dirty Dozen, the Rebel Alliance, the Commitments! We're the Bad News Freakin' Bears, and our Lupus is an openly gay cyborg dying of sepsis in a wheelbarrow!

Now's the perfect time. It's not like you haven't thought about it. Just crash the sub and kill them, Cyril.

Cyril

Slater: Okay Gillette, now just slip it in, nice and easy.
Archer: Ugh. I mean, what about, "that's what she said", can we at least do that?

Slater: So, I saw you coming on to Archer.
Sklodowska: Look, I'm a sexual being. If that is shocking to you, so be it.
Slater: It's not, I was just gonna tell you that he's had the clap so many times it's more like applause.

Lana: Oh, so suddenly you don't have a death wish!
Archer: Lana, I've never had a deathwish, it's just that I don't believe that I personally even can die.

There's enough room in the world for science and miracles.

Dr. Sklodowska: ...we could just ask me, the woman who graduated from Harvard Medical School summa cum laude.
Archer: With a minor in Spanish Bragging.
Dr. Sklodowska: A, that was Latin.
Lana: He knows.

Lana: We're the size of a bacteria.
Dr. Sklodowska: Bacterium.
Lana: Thanks, Jill Nye.

Hawley: She seems like a normal baby weight.
Malory: Yes, and everyone deserves a trophy just for showing up, and everyone's Kickstarter has merit. Ugh.

Archer Quotes

Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?