Maybe my kindergarten teacher was right. Maybe I am too controlling.


Veronica: Here, you do it.
Phil: Me?
Veronica: No, the microphone-attaching elf who lives in my drawer.
Phil: Talking about drawer elves isn't going to make this any less scary.

Phil: You know what might brighten your day? A peek at the smallest squirrel science can make.
Lem: But we're going to have to ask you to wear a face mask. He's crazy easy to inhale.

Lem: Together we're a thing of beauty, like a swan.
Phil: But on my own, I'll be like half a swan. All I'll do is make a big mess and die.

So it's your turn in the saddle, cowboy. get on that horse and... I don't know any more cowboy things. Wait. Beans.


So did you hear the latest office gossip? Ryan the security guard quit his job because you're a giant douche-mobile. That's right, you're a douche on wheels. Or perhaps a decorative sculpture hanging above a baby douche's crib. The gossip didn't specify.


Ryan: You think I talk too much?
Ted: Well, I don't know about generally, but to me, oh, my God, yes.

Veridian Dynamics. Friendship. It's so important. But it's different at work. Time spent with friends at work robs your employer of opportunity. And robbing people is wrong. Veridian Dynamics. Friendship. It's the same as stealing.


Veronica: Sorry. From now on when you present ideas to me, only one of you is allowed to talk.
Lem: But that's not how we work.
Veronica: Exactly. That's now how we work.
Lem: Not.
Veronica: Now.
Lem: Not.
Veronica: Now. Now, now, now, now, now, now, now.
Lem: Not?
Veronica: Now, now, now, now, now, now, now.
Phil: We should go.

Phil: I suppose we could use the 20 terahertz oscillator.
Lem: But doesn't that burn through flesh?
Phil: Not always.
Lem: How about we use the 10 terahertz oscillator?
Phil: Ten? Yeah, why don't we just hop on a winged unicorn and fly off to magic land?

The company finally realized the P.A. system in this building needs to be fixed. It makes everything sound like that janitor that got trapped inside the wall. "Let me out. I'm not a ghost!" We do have a lot of fun here.


I don't want to insult the guy. If only there were a nice way to say, "You're killing me, you energy-sucking time gobbler."


Better Off Ted Season 2 Episode 7 Quotes

Every time I walk by the guy, he sucks me into a 15-minute conversation. You do that eight times a day, that adds up to... well, time I could be working on my math skills.


Phil: Okay, the bacteria are going for the bait. Insert the nano-grenade.
Lem: Did it explode?
Phil: Oh, my God. There's flagella everywhere. What have we done?